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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Commiserations

The b**ch with the cheap handbag has got my b****y jobTo chipmunk, for being appointed Minister for Diversity, Equality, Human Rights and Local Government. Not quite what she was expecting when she recently told Stonewall: "As Deputy Leader I want to be the Minster for Delivery – making sure the manifesto on which you and I campaigned is implemented. An important outstanding issue is the Single Equalities legislation that I would make sure is complete by the following general Election." That's the problem with being too vocal - people take you literally.

I'm used to everything around me being upside downTo Patricia Hewitt who has been forced to give up her job for personal reasons connected with the health of her mother in Australia.

At such a time, the last thing she needs is to read bitchy comments from bloggers claiming to work in the health sector and telling the mother to trek off as far as possible, preferably to Australia. She will be sorely missed, by many sore employees of the NHS.

At last I can picnic in peace now, without the security escortTo Margaret Beckett, who has been a Cabinet Minister since 1847, taking up more positions than Courtney Coventry. She was seen in floods of tears yesterday as she listened to Tony's tender and remorseful words of resignation.

For someone who held so many different government posts, her Wikipedia entry is inexplicably short. Nobody ever quite knew what Margaret did, but whatever it was, I'm sure she did it well. Always a woman with a great sense of humour, she will be missed by... Well, her departure will be very much welcomed by the Bailey Pageant Champagne Owners Club members, who will be able to include her and Leo in their annual blockages of Britain's rural motorways.

Now I can't possibly fail to sort this lot outTo Valerie Amos, a woman universally adored almost as much as Patricia Hewitt. Valerie showed how, under Tony Blair, any poor black urban school Head Girl could rise from a lowly post as Equal Opportunities, Training & Management Services Officer for Hackney Council to become Leader of The House of Lords.

Baroness Amos was brilliantly successful pacifying the Lords during the current parliament and gaining their full support on issues such as their own reform, prevention of terrorism, id cards, the Police & Justice Bill, etc. As a result, she has been promoted to one of the new Government's most crucial and important roles - European Union special representative to the African Union.

Hasta la vista, baby - I'll be backTo John Reid, whose loyalty to Tony was so great that he knew his number was up the moment Tony announced his plans to do a runner. Britain's leading reformed Stalinist, reformed alcoholic and reformed smoker made a massive contribution to the reforms of the Tony's Government.

A man who held more Cabinet posts than almost anyone else in history, he was always ready to take on new challenges and always ready with a witticism for the media when they broke the news to him: "Oh fuck, not health." By taking a tough stand on just about everything and everybody, the "all-purpose attack dog" played a monumental role in helping to undermine the USPs of the BNP and to restore Labour to electability.

Jack's a sweetie, but he has difficulty maintaining eye contactTo Courtney Coventry for not being invited back for a second session of questioning over cash-for-honours, despite her new website indicating an obvious preparedness to come with come to see the new Justice Minister. Presumably Straw has discharged her now that the donations have dried up.

Last but not least, commiserations to Tony, for having stayed on just a bit too long. If only he'd grabbed his guitars, his cheque books and his family and jumped ship for Tel Aviv a week or two early he could have avoided the indignity of yet another visit from John Yates to discuss the matter of criminal allegations over cash for honours. Now it looks like he may be arrested before he can start his new world hero tour.

Finally, on the subject of big tough women who know how to lead with their brains, congratulations to my friend and fellow whipper, Jacqui the Dominatrix. Attagirl!

Postscript: Following publication of this article, the banner slogan "I'm coming" has been removed from Courtney Coventry's website.

4 comments:

J Straw said...

I just want to assure you, Coventry, that I am maintaining rock-steady eye contact - one eye with each of them. This is the most fun I've had since I groped Condi at the Alabama-Tennessee football game.

Anonymous said...

I had a look at her website a few days ago, it said Coming Soon not Im coming, too bad its a great play on words

Jack Straw, dont feel too bad, I would have had a good long hard look as well

brad said...

I see everyone, including you, is having a go at this courtney girl. Why? The police ask her to fly to London to give a formal statement in the cash for peerages debacle. They surely knew what she would say and the evidence she has otherwise why bother. So the girl gets there the press find out and the police change their tune? Sounds like pressure from camp Blair Read into the police statement "we did not intend to embarrass Mr Blair on his last day" So the papers report it calling her a porn star fake countess you name it.. sounds like an attempt by certain parties to discredit her so much she can not be a witness. I can not find 1 nude pic of her and beleive me Ive tried... you dont see a girl as pretty as that who they claim is a porn star and not have a look. The whole thing smells of a rat and I think the girl got caught in the middle.

Luke Akehurst said...

Good on you, Brad. I would also like to spend the day surfing the web looking for nude pictures of Courtney Coventry, but unfortunately Linda won't let me. Courtney is a soft porn star and an unsuccessful one at that, with bit part appearances in "Dirt Merchant" and in "Hot Springs Hotel" as her only "starring roles". Her fame derives more from her having been Hugh Heffner's No. 37,983 lay, but I have been unable to identify her amongst the Playboy pets, despite a thorough review in the interests of journalistic integrity.