Commiserations

To chipmunk, for being appointed Minister for Diversity, Equality, Human Rights and Local Government. Not quite what she was expecting when she recently told Stonewall: "As Deputy Leader I want to be the Minster for Delivery – making sure the manifesto on which you and I campaigned is implemented. An important outstanding issue is the Single Equalities legislation that I would make sure is complete by the following general Election." That's the problem with being too vocal - people take you literally.

To Patricia Hewitt who has been forced to give up her job for personal reasons connected with the health of her mother in Australia.

At such a time, the last thing she needs is to read bitchy comments from bloggers claiming to work in the health sector and telling the mother to trek off as far as possible, preferably to Australia. She will be sorely missed, by many sore employees of the NHS.

To Margaret Beckett, who has been a Cabinet Minister since 1847, taking up more positions than Courtney Coventry. She was seen in floods of tears yesterday as she listened to Tony's tender and remorseful words of resignation.

For someone who held so many different government posts, her Wikipedia entry is inexplicably short. Nobody ever quite knew what Margaret did, but whatever it was, I'm sure she did it well. Always a woman with a great sense of humour, she will be missed by... Well, her departure will be very much welcomed by the Bailey Pageant Champagne Owners Club members, who will be able to include her and Leo in their annual blockages of Britain's rural motorways.

To Valerie Amos, a woman universally adored almost as much as Patricia Hewitt. Valerie showed how, under Tony Blair, any poor black urban school Head Girl could rise from a lowly post as Equal Opportunities, Training & Management Services Officer for Hackney Council to become Leader of The House of Lords.

Baroness Amos was brilliantly successful pacifying the Lords during the current parliament and gaining their full support on issues such as their own reform, prevention of terrorism, id cards, the Police & Justice Bill, etc. As a result, she has been promoted to one of the new Government's most crucial and important roles - European Union special representative to the African Union.

To John Reid, whose loyalty to Tony was so great that he knew his number was up the moment Tony announced his plans to do a runner. Britain's leading reformed Stalinist, reformed alcoholic and reformed smoker made a massive contribution to the reforms of the Tony's Government.

A man who held more Cabinet posts than almost anyone else in history, he was always ready to take on new challenges and always ready with a witticism for the media when they broke the news to him: "Oh fuck, not health." By taking a tough stand on just about everything and everybody, the "all-purpose attack dog" played a monumental role in helping to undermine the USPs of the BNP and to restore Labour to electability.

To Courtney Coventry for not being invited back for a second session of questioning over cash-for-honours, despite her new website indicating an obvious preparedness to come with come to see the new Justice Minister. Presumably Straw has discharged her now that the donations have dried up.

Last but not least, commiserations to Tony, for having stayed on just a bit too long. If only he'd grabbed his guitars, his cheque books and his family and jumped ship for Tel Aviv a week or two early he could have avoided the indignity of yet another visit from John Yates to discuss the matter of criminal allegations over cash for honours. Now it looks like he may be arrested before he can start his new world hero tour.

Finally, on the subject of big tough women who know how to lead with their brains, congratulations to my friend and fellow whipper, Jacqui the Dominatrix. Attagirl!

Postscript: Following publication of this article, the banner slogan "I'm coming" has been removed from Courtney Coventry's website.