Big Banking Mess - Hackney Council Steps In

I am delighted to report that, after an emergency meeting of Hackney Council Cabinet last night, we have agreed to step in and resolve the crisis in local funding which has come to be known as the "Southern Rock crisis". Hackney's funding crisis arose when a number of large non-refundable loans were made in what has come to be known as "the sub-normal mortgage market".

Announcing the decision to offer fresh guarantees of funding, Julian Pipeshaft told anxious community group representatives that the Council would extend its previous 100% guarantee for existing project financing to those groups that have lodged new project proposals since the crisis broke on September 19th. "We'll even back community groups that weren't in existence at the time", Julian said, confirming that no-risk cash would be available to anyone who wanted it. "The Council will now pursue a full range of strategic options", he stated, "including a £10bn loan from banking giant Sainsbury's or a potential private equity bid to take over Council funding altogether".

Amongst the projects to benefit from these "never-never" loans was the "Ganja Square Initiative" - a venture led by Gary Rhodes-Francis to install ultra-violet lighting in Town Hall Square for the growing of bedding plants. Visitors to the square in the past few days will have seen contractors installing the small, but highly effective, lights. "The kids on our Hoe-Down project take these plants round to senior citizens", Rhodes-Francis explained, "where they dance round them in circles before helping the old dears to plant them. It teaches the kids - many of whom come from dysfunctional families - to take responsibility and show respect for other residents. Some of them even volunteer to collect pharmaceutical prescriptions for the old folk as well", he added. Our young people seem so much happier in themselves since we started to fund their exciting activities with pot plants and pills.

A second project that drew heavily on funding reserves last year and which massively expanded its funding demands this year was "Peas Week", a celebration of the life and times of the former Prime Minister, John Major. The annual event, organised by One Love Hackney, celebrates the wide diversity of the local communities able to extract large sums of money from the Council and the circus skills required to do so. A £50m loan was provided to Leroy Gaby-Logan to fund the development of a brewery on the site of the former Lesney Toys factory, adjacent to the Olympic Car Park. "We urgently need this additional source of refreshment products for Peas Week", said Captain Logan, "as the crowds require plenty of liquid to re-hydrate themselves after dancing in the streets". Having our own brewery means that we are no longer tied down by pub opening hours or by unfavourable contracts with JD Wetherspoons and can provide sustenance to pacify the community at all hours of the day and night.

As a result of these and other unanticipated large calls on financial resources, the Borough's largest funding body - the Hackney Collective of Vicarious Spenders - found itself unexpectedly plunged into the red. "I simply don't know where all the money went", said Jacqueline Alex-Ferguson, Chair of HCVS. "You are welcome to look under my bed if you want" she retorted when questioned, adding: "the police already have". This left no alternative but for HCVS to be bailed out by Hackney's largest financial institution - the Cash Advance Bank - and that in turn led to the first run on a British lending institution for more than 100 years.

"Don't go! Come back! I've got plenty of money to give you."

Now that the Council has voted to underwrite HCVS and CAB, the crisis should be resolved very quickly and we can all get back to normal. Applications for loans for 2008 (and late applications for 2006 and 2007) should be made to: Sir Julian Pipeshaft, Slush Fund Dept., Hackney Council, The Town Hall Redevelopment Site, Mare Street, London CASH 4ME&U.