Hackney's Very Own Page Three Model

He may have been displaced from the front page of The Hackney Groveller by more important stories about teenage gangs, New Year births and maintenance overruns at Liverpool Street station, but Mayor Pipeshaft looked every bit the model resident as he posed on Page 3 of the paper, directly above a photo of George Alagiah illustrating the size of his gong to the excited throng of reporters. His feature article had pride of place on the page, in-between stories about people fleeing a Christmas blaze, parking fines being overturned and massive forthcoming local road closures.

Although obviously disappointed with his failure to secure the much hoped-for "K" or "P", Mr. Julian Pipeshaft vowed that he would live to fight again, stating: "I'll raise more dosh next time. We'll work something around charging Council Tax proportional to the size of family carbon footprint, amount of air breathed and chocolate consumption." I did my best to console him, offering my colleague a handful of KP nuts, but he was not amused. "Never mind", I told him, "at least your gong is bigger than George's. That reminds me. Have you seen anything of Jessica lately?"