"A Man With The Balls For The Job"

Several people have asked me to publish more information about "the gorgeous, pouting Jessica". Well, I can't help there, I'm afraid. She must have been before my time - probably something to do with the days when Hackney had a zero star rating under a hung council brought about by the traitors who defected rather than close ranks with the rest of the Labour Group in the face of Trottergate. It's a popular name in Hackney, with some 113 Jessica's on the electoral register, not to mention the countless women named Jess or Jesse and many other Jessies.

So instead of wasting time trying to track her down, I'm doing something completely unrelated and publishing a note that was pushed through my letter-box yesterday afternoon by a grateful local single mum, praising our Great Local Leader Mr. Julian Pipeshaft CBE. It was clear to me when I read the New Year epistle that this woman is nothing if not completely genuine, despite having elected to maintain anonymity by pretending (illiterately, even by my standards) to be an East Anglian football manager.

"Dear Lukie,

I was so pleased to hear that Julian has at last been given the honour he so richly deserves. Like you, I've always been opposed to the honours system, especially when used by Tories to reward their cronies. But when the same scheme is administered by us it takes on a completely different mantle, of course. And who deserves reward more than Julian? Unflinchingly brave in the face of armed teenage thugs, controlling reasonable urges to smack lunatic geriatric black women in the teeth and showing talents worthy of Houdini when faced with difficulties at the ballot box.

I certainly never thought I would see Hackney Council officially described as "good" when I volunteered to step down from my job in order to give birth and look after my little one. Who would have thought it possible to get so many rich property developers to transform Hackney from a poverty hell-hole to one of London's most affluent boroughs in just a few years? Or to find sufficient private contractors with close links to the Audit Commission to convince them to upgrade the borough's standing so quickly?

It all seems such a long time since Millbank (in the days before Labour went bankrupt and the media and Tories moved in) sent you and your friends to Hackney to clear out the socialists. I was only a girl at the time, but I well remember the day when you proposed that nice, polite, nervous young man as the new CLP leader and he announced to the world: "F**king hell - it's the political equivalent of Apocalypse Now!" A few years later I remember sitting in the room in that big house off Lauriston Road thinking "Wow, I wonder who helped out with the mortgage?" and wondering what all the stuff about "envelope A" and "envelope B" was about. Oh, how the memories flood back.

As the years progress, my little one and I will have so many occasions to smile as we think of Julian up there - perched between the celebrity TV stars with their toy OBE and MBE gongs and the truly great and good with their GBEs and KBEs. One thing's for certain. When you chose him, you chose a man with the balls for the job. I can vouch for that.

Wishing you and the family a happy New Year,

Glyn Roader

PS: Could you please get someone from Hackney Homes to pop round and fix my leaky plumbing when they've got a spare minute? And I wouldn't mind some free loft insulation and a bit of left-over Axminster carpet if they could drop some off when they come."

Postscript: That was indeed a typo in the honours list that I published yesterday. Julian's award was for "services to local government" and the award to Leslie Phillips was for his performances as an upper-class letcher with the catch phrase "H-e-l-l-o!". Phillips (83) is married to ex-Bond actress Angela Scoular (61). Pipeshaft (age withheld) is single.