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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Hackney Groveller Spot The Difference Competition

The "Hackney Groveller" is offering a prize of a two-week all-inclusive package holiday in Pyongyang to the first Hackney resident who can spot the subtle difference between two almost identical pieces penned by local politicians this week and printed in tomorrow’s edition.

A Letter to The Groveller

A letter of sympathy to Yona Yahav, Mayor of Haifa, an Israeli city at the centre of the bombing campaign by Hezbollah in the escalating conflict in the Middle East:

A local politician whose name escapes me
Julian Pipe, Mayor of Hackney
"On behalf of the Speaker, elected members, and residents of Hackney, I would like to express our sympathy to the residents of Haifa during this difficult time.

The council shares the horror and concern of the world at the recent events in the Middle East, and hopes that a peaceful solution can be found.

Our thoughts are with the innocent victims and residents of all religions and backgrounds in Haifa and across the region that are affected by the current conflict."

A Speech in Parliament

A Hackney politician has condemned Israel's military offensive in Lebanon describing the continued bombing of innocent civilians as "approaching a war crime."

A local politician whose name escapes everyone
Diane Abbott, MP for
Hackney North And Stokie

The condemnation followed the bombing by Israeli aircraft of a building in Qana in Lebanon which caused a building to collapse of top of dozens of civilians - many of them children who had been taking cover in the basement and which left over 60 dead.

The politician called for an immediate and lasting ceasefire, telling MPs that "an effective ceasefire is one where the shooting stops, and if the shooting had stopped days ago, many hundreds of Lebanese men, women and children would still be alive and perhaps half a million Lebanese would not still be fleeing for their lives. Israel had a legitimate right to defend itself from missile threats, but said it wasn't clear how killing hundreds of civilians, forcing 500,000 people to flee, smashing bridges and roads, blockading the port and smashing the capital, Beirut, would make the Lebanon more stable.

MPs were reminded not to forget that similar action was being conducted by Israel against the Palestinian population in Gaza. The action Israel was taking in Lebanon "looked increasingly less like an attack on a terrorist organisation and more like an attack on a nation." The British government should demand a ceasefire from Israel and to use its influence in Washington to get America to put pressure on the Israelis.

Clearly the first author is a balanced, sensible, intelligent person whereas the second is a raving left-wing lunatic and almost certainly a Muslim fanatic bent on destroying our country and everything that we stand for in these great British islands.


Slasher said...

Luke - you’re a genius. I've just linked to OPEN Dalston Marxist Forum blog and realize there's gonna be 28 social rented flats in Pipe Towers after all. How did you get that passed your officers? I thought the plebs were supposed to be banned from New Dalston in future. Olivia is really chuffed that there'll be locals around who can clean the new flat when we move in. It would be really handy if you could wangle a plebs flat for Katusha – she’s a brilliant cleaner and only charges £2.95 per hour.

Luke Akehurst said...

Do you always have this problem distinguishing between Lebanon and Dalston Junction? Perhaps you should be nominated as a Labour Councillor next time.

Anonymous said...

Luke, aren't you excited? Tomorrow NEC election results will be announced.

Slasher said...

Well actually, Luke, yes it is confusing. When Olivia saw the pics you published of burnt out Beirut ("Dalston - its a catastophe" - below) I had to explain to her that it wasn't the outcome of Hackney Council management but Israeli "negotiations".
PS Word in your ear Luke, Katyusha said it's just not worth it for a poxy Council flat in New Dalston and if you carry on like that Igor will chuck you off the 20th floor of Pipe Towers once we get the flat.

Anonymous said...

I see what Slasher means. Looking at the photographs in I'm Content For This To Be Done "In My Name" below, I reckon this really is what Dalston will look like after Hackney's New Labour Party (and scrupulously honest planning department council officers) have finished with it.

Slasher said...

Luke - after seeing the latest pics of Beirut on the opendalston blog I'm more confused than ever. What is Hackneys Property Services trying to create here - a symbolic gesture of solidarity with Haifa? - a buffer zone between Mare St and Dalston, or Beirut, or Dubai or what? Please clarify.
PS Katusha's still banging on about getting the New Dalston flat - any news yet?

Luke Akehurst said...

Iain Dale doesn't have to put up with crap like this. Aren't there any f***ing sane, non-crackheads out there who can make comments?

Anonymous said...

It can be so hard to tell males and females apart these days.

Edna Gribbins said...

I fancy the pretty one.

clear hardly said...

Poor Luke - obviously out of his depth at Crackney Houncil. The philistines are driven by the inflated egos (the ones with tall and very tall erections) and the others Edna's got her eye on.

Luke Akehurst said...

Also, for the benefit of slasher who obviously originates from out of borough, we don't have a Property Services Department any more. My friends and I had these functions transferred to an ALMO called Hackney Homes, in preparation for privatisation. That way we don't have to deal with troublesome tenants or mindless trades unionists.

Slasher said...

Thanks Luke, I can see your attraction to ALMOs. But the new thing is PALMOs (Plebs Are Leaving.Make Offers)eg announce an estate renewal scheme, palm the tenants off on some gullible leftie Council up north for "temporary" housing, demolish the ghettos and then sell the new flats off-plan. This produces terrific receipts to reinvest in flagship Council schemes eg local swimming and leisure facilities, music venues, refurbishing municiple offices, etc. Mind you its best to publicise it as "regeneration", not PALMOs, as I'm sure you would already know.