Through The Finishing Gate

My spoofster has gone too far this time. I must make it clear that these are not my real views - just the ludicrous invented perspective of a warped caricature of a CLP Chief Whip. Anyone who read his article about last night's Hackney North CLP GC in the mistaken view that it was penned by me must be throwing their hands up in horror at the prospect of the Four Horsemen of the Labour Apocalypse. It's not that these events aren't true - just that there's no way on God's earth that I would write about them. I have no desire to make Hackney Labour Party look like a writhing creature in its death throes.

The first ghostly rider of the night was the absurdity of me being elected to the National Policy Forum as representative of the London CLPs. I guess that this horseman will be rapidly unseated. It does feel very strange for me to be reported to be "on a split ticket with Nicky Gavron", after what I tried to do to Ken Livingstone.

Apocalyptic precursor number 2 was the election to the National Constitutional Committee, where Maggie Cosin beat Peter Kenyon 15-13. As my spoofster said, this caused consternation in the hard left camp as this was the seat Peter lived in for nearly 30 years.

But unlike him, I would have kept very quiet about Maggie's farm. It must have caused much ribaldry in the opposition camp as members wondered why the husband of this Camden councillor and advisor to a Labour moderate MP would publicly describe the British and US troops in Iraq as the "true terrorists", compare the allies to "the Nazis and Mussolini's fascists" and describe Iraqi prime minister Allawi as "a puppet... [with] a deplorable history as a Baathist thug... a paid retainer of the Americans in their aggressive policy against Iraq over many years."

Thundering hooves number 3 involved the election to the Conference Arrangements Committee, which saw Stephen Twigg and Lynne Jones MP elected at the expense of Marge Carey and George McManus. Twiggy is Labour's most famous revolving door, launched into 'A' celebrity status by his crunching of Portillo (Denzil that is, not Diane) just in time to be shown the exit by the serial procreator David Burrowes. And Lynne is Labour's "diminishing vision" candidate. Whereas others expand their horizons as time progresses, Lynne has reduced hers from Leader of the Party and Prime Minister... to MP for the boundary-changed Selly Oak constituency... to Conference Arrangements Committee member. Unkind rumours abound in the Party that next year she will be standing for key-mistress and cleaner of the trans-sexual toilets in the House.

The final member of the equestrian quartet is love of my life Diane Portillo. She was particularly unfunny, especially when she attempted to bribe 18-month-old Party member Jed Augustus George Akehurst to vote for her reselection by offering him a KitKat bar. Anyone who knows Augustus would realise that nothing short of a month's supply of foie gras could possibly sway his principled position. Of course the usual suspects were at it once again, attacking the Voice of Hackney just because they are jealous of her £250,000+ a year earnings and the private schooling of James Portillo at City of London School. That's the trouble with the left wing in Hackney - they put forward socialist arguments in the demented belief that what's left of the Labour Party has something to do with socialism.

This nonsensical scribbling by the phantom of the internet has got me quite angry.

Anyone reading what he has written would not only think that Hackney North and Stokie Labour Party was on its knees but that half its members were stark raving bonkers.

Push the argument any further and you'll have me suggesting that Diane might be deselected and "Luke the Nuke" nominated for Hackney North and Stokie in her place. Followed, presumably, by cuddling up to Denzil on Brillo Pad's sofa.

Mind you, if Pamella Bordes could be persuaded to make a return visit and sit between us...