A Special Post Just For The Rich

Don't worry. We're still working hard to make sure that hard-working entrepreneurs can be successful in Hackney without disruption from poor, lazy, ignorant peasants or the terrorist organisations that claim to represent them.

After all, some of us are only here today because Party HQ sent us into the Borough to seize control from those who, under the banner of "socialism", were wrecking Hackney in the 1990s and causing the Borough to spiral downwards into factionalism and decay. One serial terrorist I've warned readers about on several occasions is John McDonnell, the left-wing loony MP for Hayes & Harlington. As the Chair of the Socialist Campaign Group, the Labour Representation Committee, and Public Services Not Private Profit, McDonnell manages to combine three disruptive evils respectively - Trotskyism, Communism and Trades Union militancy.

Lenin argues the case for PFI

A year ago, when the subversive Trotskyite organisation AWL wrote "In Hackney, we've set up an organising group, which... brought together 22 comrades willing to take a role in building support for McDonnell in their unions...Keep Our NHS Public, tenants' organisations and Stop the War...Most local parties have withered almost the point of dissolution.", my response was: "Well, I can tell you that this is rubbish. There aren't 22 people in Hackney North & Stokie CLP who know what day of the week it is... If you are looking for support for McDonnell, trades unions, public services, tenants' rights and opposition to the war - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING IN THE LABOUR PARTY FOR? WHICH OF YOUR OWN WORDS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND - "WITHERED" OR "DISSOLUTION"? So organise some meetings of your own, comrades." I offered to attend, if they laid on some foie gras, sirloin steak and claret.

Back then, the MP for Hackney North & Stokie and Millionaires' Row resident Diane Portillo was still infatuated with Gordon. But she likes to be all things to all people and her subversive views soon started to manifest themselves in articles in The Voice and appearances on the TV couch. Look at the websites of McDonnell's three front organisations and Portillo's face grins at you from the Socialist Campaign Group site, her manifesto signature appears on Public Services Not Private Profit, and on the website of the Labour Representation Committee there's... nothing. Nothing?!?!? Well, there's a surprise, because the rotund, two-faced MP for Stokie is quietly taking up my challenge and organising a meeting of her own. And what meeting would that be? Why, a meeting of Party traitors in the upstairs toilets of the Hackney Empire to launch a Hackney Labour Representation Committee branch!

Smiling for Gordon, but secretly plotting a socialist revolution along with Council traitors

Thanks for the invitation letter, comrades. You forgot to mention whether you've arranged the foie gras, sirloin steak and claret, so I'm not sure of I'll take up the offer. But I thought ordinary, decent Labour supporters should see for themselves what subversive splitters get up to while your back is turned:

Dear Comrade Like many of you, I joined the Labour Party to help to change the world: to pursue goals such as social equality, democracy in the workplace, peace and international disarmament. I am still convinced that we need a Labour government - but not one which pursues war abroad and nuclear rearmament and privatisation of public services at home, whilst inviting the representatives of corporate greed into the heart of government. That is why I responded to the call by John McDonnell MP and others to re-found the historic Labour Representation Committee to fight for power within the Labour Party and trade unions and to appeal to the tens of thousands who have turned away from Labour in disillusion and despair. The LRC is an open democratic organisation committed to the development of a radical policy agenda for the Labour Party and the trade unions. Membership is open to all who support the aims of the LRC and do not support any candidates standing against the Labour Party. Six national unions have so far affiliated to the LRC: CWU, ASLEF, FBU, RMT, BFAWU and NUM. Over a thousand individual members have joined. Now the LRC is organising local branches across the country and I am writing to you to invite you to join in establishing a Hackney LRC by coming to our launch meeting. I hope to see you there! Launch of Hackney LRC - Change Labour's Course! Hackney Empire Hospitality Suite - 8.00pm - Wed February 27th John McDonnell MP Diane Abbott MP Cllr Patrick Vernon Cllr Barry Buitekant (Chair) John Page (Treasurer Hackney Trades Union Council) Speaker from Hackney Refugee & Migrant Support Group Sophie Bolt (Secretary Hackney & Islington CND) Yours for socialism Cllr Barry Buitekant Hackney LRC PO Box 2378, E5 9QU Tel.: [removed] For more information on the LRC see: http://www.l-r-c.org.uk) Jane Holgate Secretary, Hackney Trades Union Council PO Box 44656, London N16 5YX Tel.: [removed]

So - who are these subversives, then? Some of them are the obvious suspects. John McDonnell and Diane Portillo come as no surprise, of course.

Brian Debus, one third of the Hackney Three, pickets the Council

John Page is one of the Hackney Two, a Trotskyite grouping that managed to recruit a new member and become the Hackney Three. Page was quite rightly sacked in 2003 for spreading the malicious lie that institutional racism exists within Hackney Council. Sophie Bolt is a Trot of a different flavour and has been Vice Chair of CND for many years, sitting alongside Islington folk-singer and former member of the acoustic duo Abbott & Corbyn. "Secretary: Jane Holgate, President: Janine Booth" tells you everything you need to know about Hackney TUC. Janine Booth is the Chair of AWL and a serial failed election candidate for their front organisation Socialist Unity.

Long since withered away and now nothing more than an AWL-run rump, the once proud Hackney TUC has little to do these days, as working class people have transformed their lives under Hackney's Labour Council, thrown off their shackles and become estate agents, PR consultants and self-employed property developers. These TUC people are well-known and irrelevant. More important, however, are the Enemies Within, as Maggie so perfectly expressed it.

Haggerston Ward Councillor Barry Buitekant is a retired Marxist historian and a shareholder in the dangerous revolutionary organisation Socialist Platform Ltd - a leading publisher of labour movement history studies whose aim is to bring books and pamphlets to activists, students and scholars at affordable prices. Note that phrase carefully: "to bring books and pamphlets... at affordable prices". It's typical Marxist jargon for encouraging poor and stupid people to study history and culture and thereby get completely above themselves. Although this Trotskyite infiltrator has kept his head down in the Labour Party and pretended to be a harmless, doddery old bookworm - in reality he is the Anthony Blunt of Hackney CLP. Now we've caught him at last. Even a cursory investigation reveals that Socialist Platform is affiliated to a group called Socialist Unity - a nom de plume for Janine Booth's AWL. So Buitekant is a sleeper - someone infiltrated into Hackney Labour Party by Che Guevara or Fidel Castro and told to wait his time until a revolutionary coup can be launched.

Buitekant - a sleeping bookworm

Patrick Vernon and some other chap

The other Labour Group traitor is Queensbridge Ward Councillor Patrick Vernon. Vernon is a management consultant in health and social care policy, listing his interests as quality of health & social care, youth aspirations & education and heritage. Like me, he's a member of Amicus, the Co-op Party and the Socialist Health Association. But that's the only respect in which he's like me. His politics have always been distinctly wobbly and without me to keep him in line he would have lost the plot ages ago. I identified this man as a deserter in the ranks a year ago, when he was spotted in the art gallery of a defeated Tory prospective councillor, laughing and joking, shaking the hands of visiting yuppies and introducing himself to the arty-farties. With chameleon talents worthy of David Macaroon, Vernon is now unmasked as a Trot in Labour/Tory clothing.

So if all this left-wing revolutionary activity is going on around me, why am I feeling so chuffed with myself? Because my informants have kept me ahead of the game, so I was fully prepared for this news. The penalty for traitors is hanging, but unfortunately I'm not allowed to do this, even with Jack Straw as Secretary of State for Justice. So I'll just have to settle for expulsion. Quite simple. Two traitors out, two jolly nice people in. At the next elections, don't waste time looking for the names of Barry Buitekant and Patrick Vernon on the ballot forms for Haggerston and Queensbridge. Look instead for the names of Joseph and Eva Stauber. Two people who, unlike Buitekant and Vernon, truly represent the Labour Party of Gordon Brown. Loyal members, who will do what they are f*****g well told. You'll be able to read all about it in The Groveller unless, of course, you are a Trotskyite revolutionary plotter, in which case you may accidentally fall down a large bear-trap on Hackney Marshes.