An Apology To The Hackney Groveller

I've long argued that right-minded people don't read The Groveller. OK - the rag usually earns its nickname by showing appropriate respect to Hackney Council. After all, it's hardly the role of a local newspaper to expose wrongdoings in Hackney, is it? But despite the fact that we reward them generously with tonnes of advertising copy and we never do anything to prevent them profiting from advertising brothels and visiting prostitution services, they do occasionally bite the hand that feeds them. One occasion recently when the spotty little dog stopped grovelling and attacked its master was in this article about Hackney fraud and corruption (although admittedly I may have misread the article at the time and did find myself making an apology shortly afterwards). And last summer they did drone on a lot about those bloody swimmers despite me reminding Editor Ferris Bueller how much advertising money we spend with his grotty little rag.

Even when they print something sensible - such as this front page article about me - they wait for a chance to catch me in one of my eccentric left-wing moments before publishing a story.

But today I am truly proud of The Groveller. It must have been difficult for Ferris Bueller and Tiny Tim to tackle the subject, especially in the face of vile and malicious internet gossip such as this rubbish in "Dry Swimming Today". But they put their best junior reporter Sally Scott on the case and came up with a marvellous front page story. The only bit I don't quite understand is the link to the story "Magic of the Circus", right alongside their lead article.

I take back everything I've said about The Groveller" in the past and offer the paper a sincere apology. I hope they won't raise a copyright issue if I reproduce a few brief extracts here in praise of their incisive, penetrating and balanced investigative journalism.

Ms Thompson told The Groveller: "The Mayor and I have agreed that after Hackney making tremendous progress over the past two years I will be moving on, subject to agreement." It would have been so easy here to frivolously interpret the last three words of this comment as a threat to blow the gaff unless rewarded with a massive golden parachute.

A Council spokeswoman denied any link [with the sacking of Meeaaiiioooohhhhkk Gullivers- Travels] and said Mr. Gullivers-Travels departure had come about by mutual agreement. Of course there is no link between the departure of the Council Monitoring Officer, malicious false allegations of internal impropriety as recently discussed by the Audit Commission and the decision of Penny Thompson to seek fresh challenges elsewhere. Nor should Hackney be compared with the court of King George I, in a Swiftean attempt to make the former Head of Legal Services sound like a giant in Lilliput.

In any event as I recall from my school literacy hour, the subsequent posting was to Brobdingnag (Islington?) where a giant exhibits the unfortunate traveller on a cash-per-view basis. So watch out, Miiiuuaaaccchhhhk!

Ms Thompson went on to say: "I feel very proud of what I have achieved during my time at Hackney. I believe I am leaving Hackney in a strong position from which it can move forward..." Damned right too, I say! Now we've got rid of the slum eyesores and driven out the chavs, we can press ahead with our programme to fill the Borough with private apartment tower blocks. As I can't stand those b******s down there in Queensbridge after they had the gall to elect a Tory Councillor in 2005, I shall be proposing that we demolish The Pub on the Park and build yuppie flats on the site. That'll teach them. And it will teach Diane Portillo a lesson for voting against Trident renewal, as the airy and relaxed gastrobar is now her local, whereas I'm still stuck in her Stokie constituency and have to drink in a seedy little alehouse in the High Street.

The final extract I want to draw attention to is this one:

The Mayor of Hackney, Julian Pipeshaft, paid tribute to Ms Thompson, praising her enthusiasm and commitment and wishing her well for the future. Now that's the kind of journalism I admire. Positive and complimentary. The sort of thing that Sven-Göran Eriksson was told by Brian Barwick and that Steve McClaren can expect to be told shortly. None of that scurrilous and unnecessary gossip about sackings, fall-guys, rats and ships.