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The working class can kiss my arse, I've got the Councillor's job at last
The Luke Akehurst blog - The genuine Luke Akehurst weblog about politics, elections, the Labour Party and that ghastly Hackney place. Ignore counterfeit Luke Akehurst blogs - this is the genuine article from the chap who whips Hackney Labour councillors in his spare time.
Now with extra added ingredient Linda K Smith. Helps wash your family whiter!

"My favourite film is Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" - Luke Akehurst
"Funny and clever but not particularly nice" - Time Out
"With added foie gras, steak, soft cheese, claret and port (hic!)" - Luke Akehurst
"In gustatus perquam putidus est" - Vatican Bank
"Not so much 'Who's Who?' as 'Who's Sleeping With Whom?'" - Peter Mandelson
"You can judge a blogger's politics by the colour of their blog banner" - The spoof Luke Akehurst
"By a coalition of Trots, tree huggers, anarchists, Tories and a nasty little clique over-excited about my hair colour" - Luke Akehurst

Friday, June 30, 2006

I Support...

I have received various hostile comments from posters, but I soak them up like a blancmange. I thought I'd save all the posters some time by just listing all the things I really support and they really hate, so they can just reply with one stream of venom. Here goes. I support:


That should give you all plenty to get your teeth into...

Someone very special to me
Me and George
Someone else very special to me
Me and brushie-wushie

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"Loony" Responsible For Labour Defeat

A Hope, Official Monster Raving Loony candidate
Not A. Hope
The iLikeAkehurstfanClub has demanded an answer to the questions: "How do we explain last night's defeat in Wales? Whose fault do you think it was?" (see their comment in response to PR Ploy Goes Squiffy, Dammit!)

It doesn't take a genius to see why Owen Smith was unsuccessful in his attempt to win back the Blaenau Gwent seat from the Independents last night, despite taking my PR advice to fool the Welsh peasants by pretending to be less of a Tony man and more of a Gordon supporter.

Take a look at the list of candidates: Rivals' Glee At Labour Poll Loss (click on "See also Blaenau Gwent election candidates"). Now look at the candidates who stood in Aldershot in the 2001 General Election when I represented Labour and suffered a similar tragically ignominious defeat Results & Constituencies - Aldershot. The two elections have one thing in common. In both cases a certain "Alan Hope" stood as a candidate for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party. Clearly this man is responsible for both defeats.

I don't know how he did it, but I intend to launch an internal inquiry within the Labour Party. We will either track him down and discover his election manipulation secret or, failing that, produce a report accusing him of housing benefit fraud, running a brothel and standing for election while disqualified as a bankrupt.

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Thursday, June 29, 2006

PR Ploy Goes Squiffy, Dammit!

News of design faults shocks the nationI have to admit that my PR ploy to blame Hackney LibDems for the rise of fascism across Europe (see All Set For Visit Of British Nudists) has gone a bit squiffy. Readers of this blog will remember that the strategy was to knock news of the BNP's planned visit to Hackney Council off the front page of 'The Hackney Groveller' and replace it with a great story about sensible speeches by Tony and Gordon.

'The Groveller' can usually be trusted to do the right thing, especially when I remind Ferris Bueller how much advertising money Hackney Council spends with his grotty little rag every month. But this time they've gone too far. The whole front page is covered with muck-raking nonsense about the Clissold Leisure Centre budget, which they refer to as a "fiasco". Judging from the style and content of the article, Ferris Bueller is probably the man behind this scurrilous website: Not The Clissold Leisure Centre which prattles on endlessly about the poor deprived swimmers of Stoke Newington.

The only good thing to come out of all this is that the verbose comrades at Not The Clissold Leisure Centre will now get back to talking about swimming pools and stop their snidey little comments about Mayor Jules Pipe's clothing closets.

See Jules Pipe's 'Closet Point' - Page 894

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My Job More Secure As Brown Announces Nuclear Policy

Excellent news - Gordon Brown has put his cards on the table as a supporter of replacing the UK's Trident strategic nuclear deterrent for the long term.

In his annual Mansion House speech to the City of London he backed a replacement programme for Trident at a cost of no more than £25 billion in a procurement and development project to be run jointly by EDS, Multiplex and Hodder Associates.

This will be a project of vision, like the Millennium Dome, with equally tough budgetary controls that should ensure delivery for less than £6.8 trillion.

Money like this sloshing about in the defence, government and PR sectors should make my day-time job secure for many years to come, as I specialise in all three of these. But far more importantly, it’s the right decision. It’s a dangerous and volatile world where some fairly unpleasant regimes have access to both WMD and missile technology, one of them only 21 miles away from our chalky Albion cliffs.
Gordon certainly does know how to let one fly
Brown delivers Mansion House speech

Other threats in the future can be see clearly to come from countries with which we have been at war in the past; especially Argentina, Germany, Italy, Spain, Ukraine, Ghana and Brazil. Mercifully, the threats from Serbia & Montenegro, Croatia, Iran and Togo have now been eliminated.

Well done, Gordon.

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Monday, June 26, 2006

Was It Something I Ate?

God I love publicity. I could eat it, drink it, snort it and shag it. Publicity drives me in the morning, during the day and in the evening. I even dream about publicity when I'm asleep and sometimes when I nod off during boring client presentations at Weber Shandwick. And of all the types of publicity - the best is self-publicity!

However, even I draw the line when it comes to the very un-funny people behind the spoof internet weblog. Judging from the turgid, rambling style and content of the website, I reckon it's the lot behind this other website. These are a bunch of subversives who think that half of Hackney should be used as open spaces for lazy unemployed people to lie around in on sunny days and for kids on ASBOs to terrorise senior citizens in at night.

Judge for yourself what kind of people these are from their website, which describes hard-working Hackney councillors like Linda and myself as "social misfits, pragmatic nest-featherers, dogmatic lickspittles, political adventurers, opinionated gits and well-meaning fools."

The old-fashioned sort of park that we will get rid of
Old-fashioned Hackney park
These people wanted Hackney to slide back into hung council chaos in the 4 May elections to stop us implementing plans for paving over "parks". They want to live in some nostalgic bygone age when councillors debated amongst themselves at meetings and "parks" were full of grass and trees.

Look dummies - are you stupid, or what? The work is "park". That should ring a bell or two, even in your pathetic little pea-brains. These "parks" should be areas for people to park! That's why our Labour Council will start paving over Hackney Marshes soon to turn it into the world's largest car park in time for the Olympic Games.

We need to promote everything that's best about Hackney and its friends across the pond and that's why I've invited Northrop Grumman to install a recruitment centre with an exhibition of tanks and helicopters adjacent to the new car park entrance.

This will give some of Hackney's unemployed people and ASBO kids a fantastic opportunity to change their lives and become useful members of society.
How parks will look under my mordernisation programme
New-style Hackney park

In the meantime, I must make sure that I keep up with the latest trends in publicity. I hear this morning that Becks has been stealing the show again, this time with a display of vomiting during the Ecuador match. Linda - where's Augustus? Can you just get him to throw up a bit while I adjust the camera....

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

All Set For Visit Of British Nudists

Everything's under control for next Wednesday's 7pm. Council meeting, when we are anticipating a visit from Nick Grismold and a party of stormtroopers from his British Nudist Party. Apparently they chose Hackney to launch their summer campaign for the right of decent overweight white folk to expose their upper bodies in public without having to suffer ridicule from the black and asian communities.

Nick Grismold of British Nudist Party
Nick Grismold
Being the excellent strategist that I am, I didn't panic when I found out that the fashion fascists were arriving in Hackney to protest against our decency laws. Oh no. My first thought was to make sure that anarchists, squatters and loonie lefties don't claim the credit for resisting the animals.

The job was not made easy, of course, by the certain knowledge that Pipey will rush off and lock himself in a closet with the nearest female colleague, as usual. But I'm not the King of PR for nothing. They close the wrong day to mess with me and my Council!

Little did Grismold realise that the Hackney Groveller goes to bed on a Monday night and into print on a Wednesday night. This means that I have an entire week to produce photographs of the valient Pipey fighting them off with bottles of Ambre Solaire sun screen and copies of the FIFA Referees' Manual.

I've got a fantastic photo editing suite on my PC that should do the trick. With a bit of luck I can get pictures of Boffie, Penhaligon, Bone and Peters and merge them into the background looking like Grismold supporters.

One-nil to me, I think!

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Why Yellow Is Oh So Not My Colour

Some of you must be wondering just why I hate the LibDems so much (second only to the Labour left). After all, you may ask, shouldn’t we concentrate on attacking the Tories? It’s an understandable position, but a completely fallacious one because it fails to grasp just how vile and subversive the LibDems can be in daily realpolitik and how you can do deals with the Tories as long as you don’t shout about them too loudly.

The point, of course, is that one can strike tactical deals with Tories and sometimes even longer-term strategic deals. I wouldn’t be the first to propose Lab/Con pacts – although Ramsay MacDonald’s 1931 National Government did not survive for long and more recent experiments in Scotland and in Rochdale have not been entirely successful.

Just say 'No' to LibDemsThe bloody LibDems, on the other hand, greet you with one hand and stab you in the back with the other one. Take Castle Point, for example, where I stood at the last General Election. I join forces with LibDem James Sandbach to attack the racist Tory MP Bob Spink and what happens? The Tory vote increases, the LibDem vote increases and the Labour vote is slashed. I won’t fall for that trick again.

As I argued with Paul Anderson in 2004, he can urge people to vote tactically for the LibDems in seats where Labour starts in third place, but there is no equivalent effort by LibDems to get their supporters to vote Labour where we are the main challenge to the Tories. I wrote: "Anderson's insistence that the differences between Labour and the LibDems are nugatory can only have been written by someone who has not encountered the LibDems' vile behaviour in local government and the constant anti-Labour sniping of Lib Dem MPs. This treacherous advice should be treated with the contempt it deserves".

I made my views clear in The Times in 2001 when I wrote a paper in Lambeth praised by Tony Blair as "more New Labour than New Labour". In it I argued how New Labour could win back council seats lost because of the loony left in the 1980s. My suggested tactics included the brilliant ploy of offering pacts with the LibDems so you could subsequently to attack them when they inevitably refused the offer. More importantly, I proposed working with Tories, as I said at the time: "because they tend to hate the Liberal Democrats as much as you do".

As for Hackney, well we all know the LibDems’ record here. They tried to screw the place up with a hung Council after the "New Labour" breakaway and they’ve never contributed anything positive. On the other hand, my strategy for co-operation with the Tories is well-proven by the good relationships we’ve enjoyed with Joe and Eric over the years. So yes, green may not be my favourite colour but yellow is oh so not me!

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Friday, June 16, 2006

Logo Pogo

Nike using the Hackney logo, under an earlier paid contract
Looks like we've poked ourselves in the eye on this one.

The riff-raff websites are all full of stuff about us being hyprocrites for threatening to sue Nike for nicking our logo while we were busy nicking the logo of the National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society.

Our version of the National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society logoI told Pipey to keep schtum about this one, but he would have to open his gaper and make a fuss. Poor old Mikey is in for a shock when he gets the reports back from his legal team. It seems that Nike is likely to argue that appropriate use of the logo was included in the deal for the Zoneparcs project to support playground sports activities targeted at the most deprived and socially excluded kids in London.

Balls to HackneyApparently they offered a sack of wonga to Mad Max back in 2002 but he was scared of getting his fingers burnt so he refused to touch it and insisted it went to Nicky over at Tender Loving Care. I must ask Pipey to get together with Nicky to sort out where the cash went to and try to dig up the contracts (if there ever were any).

Maybe the whole business is just some horrible nightmare I've been having. That's it, Linda, I've been having a nightmare.

None of this is true. Thank God for that. Do you fancy a stroll in Clissold Park this morning before work?

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Monday, June 12, 2006

In Defence Of Stubbsie

Wembley Stadium
Clissold poolWembley stadium
Oh yeah - the looney-leftie anti-consultancy whingers are at it again. Blaming a few niggling little Clissold troubles on good old Stubbsie, despite the fact that the man is entirely innocent and in any case we never took any advice from him whatsoever. In any event, these are two magnificent buildings that will shortly be in full use, delighting the voting public and exceeding their expectations.

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Bloody Imitators!

It had to happen. Somebody has set up a fake blogsite at pretending to be me. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - but I mean - just look at the bloke. Ugly, or what? Looks like a Dalek! Just the sort of chap you'd find hanging around the set of Doctor Who, ogling the chicks.

And as for politics - have you read this crap? How could anyone possibly believe this bloke was a genuine Labour Party member and hardworking Councillor? He just rambles on about himself, how great he is and how anyone with left-wing sympathies should get on their bike and find a proper job in PR or something.

This guy is plainly a fraud. I'll be keeping an eye on his fake blogsite, while continuing to post serious political articles here on my genuine site.

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