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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Knocking A Bit Of Life Into The Stiffs

Many of my regular readers will have been wondering what the pubescent Councillor Darren Parker has been up to since Parkergate led to my resignation (fortunately not accepted by Herr. Pipeshaft) and Baby Parker was suspended from the Council for 3 months. Today I can exclusively reveal that Darren has been busy working on groundbreaking plans to massively expand green space provisions in Britain by revolutionising the use of cemeteries. Through his employer organisation CABE (Councillors Against Behaving Ethically), Darren has lobbied the government to instruct local authorities to make better use of these valuable plots. In a report entitled: "Cemeteries Are Not Just For The Dead - They Are For The Brain Dead Too", CABE has argued that Councillors should mingle with the corpses and propose exciting new applications for the space. "The great Victorian cemeteries were designed and maintained as special areas for the enjoyment of the privileged", says the report, published today. "We need to return to that ideal. Every authority should include cemeteries in their corporate asset portfolio and ensure that the full market value is realised. Councils and their business partners should build new municipal facilities and business areas in them."

In essence, this recommendation means that we should put our municipal graveyards to proper and gainful use, rather than leaving them lying around for the use of dead people. And as part of an integrated green space strategy, of course, whatever we encourage in the Borough's parks and streets should also take place in the cemeteries. On this basis, I am absolutely delighted to be the first to break the news of our exciting new plans for Abney Park Cemetery. The map below shows just some of our proposed applications for the new green space site (CCTV towers have been omitted as these would completely obscure the map). To inspect the plans in greater detail, why not pop along to Planning Reception at 263 Mare Street E8 1HT, any weekday between 9.00am and 5.00pm.

KEY
ReferenceProposed Future Usage
1
New Catholic Chapel on site of former Congregationalist Chapel as a tribute to former resident and failed Council candidate, T. Blair. To be consecrated by the Papal Envoy on her next visit to Hoxton.
2Olympic Games celebrity and VIP park-and-ride car park (so rich people can avoid the chavs parking their Ford Focuses on Hackney Marshes).
3Corals Hyperstore Gaming Retail Facility (for those wishing to avoid the chavs punting their dole money down at the Corals Metro in The Narrow Way).
4Site of new Clissold Pool, avoiding the minor mistakes of last time and providing the Borough with a new swimming facility to be proud of.
5Site of Councillor Guy Nicholson's proposed new Leroy Logan Memorial Vodka Lounge and Tapas Bar (for those who like to throw up in the privacy of a secluded copse).
6Pipeshaft Palace, a new luxury home set in 1½ acres of secluded woodland and fully equipped to meet the needs of Hackney's leading citizen. Equipped with a large, state-of-the-art titanium steel vault and ideal for someone who is fed up with living next to the chavs in Vicky Park.
7Akehurst Palace, a modest dwelling designed for someone currently raising a family in a cramped flat next to the chavs in Stoke Newington. Doubles up as a safekeeping area for electoral registers.
8
Northrop Grumman joint armed services recruitment offices, ASBO youth national service military training centre and helicopter landing pad.
9To the south of this section, a double-decker graves area. At the north end a recycling centre to produce municipal compost for the Borough's parks from any human remains excavated during the development works and any young people accidentally clubbed to death in the amphitheatre (see 10).
10Riot control amphitheatre, where Commander Steffan van den Mann can orchestrate performances of that famous old Rhodesian folk dance "Git the blick bistard" with a cast of thousands of uniformed Morris dancers equipped with Ford Transits, handy-sized sticks and rubbish bins.
11New fund-raising grandstand where, for a large fixed fee, VIP guests can have a seat, a glass of champagne, some foie gras and an excellent view of Commander Steffan van den Mann and his folk dancers (recycled coca cola and Turkish ornamental pot plants supplied at extra charge).
YElegant and environmentally sympathetic 48-floor tower blocks of luxury apartments for social housing need, supporting the lifestyle of today's busy Hackney single mother and unemployed black youngster (fully equipped with on-site gymnasium, cinema, restaurant and maid service).

1 comment:

Darren Parker said...

Questions were raised as to why I was spending so much time on my knees in Abney Park this summer. This project is my excuse ... and I'm sticking to it!