Out, Damned Trot

A funny thing happened as I drove up the A10 through Stoke Newington today. I suddenly realised that I don't actually possess a car. Up until that precise moment I simply couldn't understand why pedestrians were pointing and laughing at me and drivers behind were hooting.

Having taken the sensible approach and transferred from the right-hand side of the road onto the right-hand pavement by Brooke Road (for those not familiar with the territory, this part of Stoke Newington High Street is one-way heading north), I immediately crashed into a street stall outside Stoke Newington Post Office and sent leaflets and posters flying in all directions. The stall, I quickly discovered, was manned by The Socialist Party of England and Wales - formerly the Revolutionary Socialist League, formerly Militant Tendency, not to be confused with The Socialist Party of Great Britain, The Scottish Socialist Party, The Socialist Workers Party or a good bottle of Scotch, but closely related to The Socialist Party (Ireland) and The Socialist Party (Australia) and the only true standard bearer of The Fourth International (as opposed to the bourgeois traitors of the Reunified Fourth International).

Imagine my shock when, as I desperately set off down the road to avoid being stoned to death by a mob of Trots shouting "Kill the f***ing ginger class traitor", I recognised their ringleader as the bloke who we spotted taking pictures of our house just after we moved in. Yes - it was that bastard from my union and former Labour MP for Coventry South East - Dave Nellist. Admittedly he was now sporting a wig and a beard, but obviously this was the same man in disguise. Having never met Nellist before, I simply hadn't added one and one and realised who the photographer was. But now suddenly it all made sense. He had clearly come down from Coventry to my patch to take the piss, following the local elections in which, despite our "dirty tricks" campaign to unseat him, the bastard had increased his majority. I suppose the ginger toupé and moustache that so obviously didn't match the rest of the hair was part of the big in-joke.

For those unfamiliar with the Beatty Road inauguration saga, this revolting Trot stood outside some other house in my street for some time until I set him straight by publishing my actual address, at which point he re-appeared and took photos of my wife Linda in her dressing gown standing at the bay windows.

At the time we thought nothing of it, assuming the photographer was from FHM or Grazia and looking forward to receiving the cheque in the post and spending the money on some decent claret and caviar. It was only when the pictures appeared a couple of hours later on the spoof Luke Akehurst blog that we realised the evil intent behind this shocking invasion of privacy. I subsequently unmasked Andrew Richard Gos as the man responsible for the text that accompanied the spoof post. A nasty piece of work who owns a large shop named after himself in Sandringham Road and who infamously attacked a poor, helpless, disabled fellow Chatham Ward Councillor with a walking stick when she voted on Hackney's planning committee to demolish the entire borough and sell off all the land to property developers.

So that all explains why I had had trouble pinning down the politics of the spoof site: given its extreme right-wing views it clearly couldn't possibly be anyone genuinely a member of the Labour Party, yet it was also anti-LibDem (though not as much as me), anti-Tory, anti-Green and anti-SWP, written by someone exhibiting a taste for and knowledge of the good life that only comes with considerably more wealth than I earn as a PR Director. Clearly the work of someone with experience in the media, business and attending lavish dinners. Someone with a degree of knowledge of internal Labour matters that suggests he had been in the Labour Party at some stage, probably as an entrist. And someone who sounds desperate to re-enter the Labour Party and seek high office in it once more.

Now it all makes sense. I've been cloned by Derek Hatton. I almost feel proud.

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They've Adopted My Strategy

The latest YouGov poll shows that the Party is listening to me at last. By dropping in popularity to 23% against the Tories' 47% - the worst position since surveys began in 1943 and a depth not plumbed by Neil Kinnock or Michael Foot - we are positioning ourselves perfectly for an eventual situation where we will become more popular and the Tories less popular! My strategy has been adopted and I know it will work. Just wait and see.

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It's Your Round

I must apologise for my gratuitously flippant comments earlier about the Campaign For Labour Party Democracy and its manipulation of the Grassroots Alliance into making the decision to nominate the gorgeous, pouting blonde Blairite bombshell Ellie Reeves for membership of the NEC.

My off-the-hand comments were before I realised that this was step one of a cunning plan in which the other five nominees all stand down at the last minute - just before this happens.

What a clever bunch of people these lefties are. And I always thought they were stupid.

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Last Post

E J Thribb MP has been doing some research into exactly how bad the 1st May local elections when compared with previous Tory breakthrough years in 1968 and 1978 when Labour had been relatively strong in local government. And whether there are lessons to be learnt about minimising our losses in the future. He thinks definitely so and has asked me to post this:

"So, farewell then
Labour Party
Local election results in the future
Are not all doom and gloom
Because there will be
No-one left to be doom-laden and gloomy.
The mathematics is on our side
As we slowly fade away.
Therein lies the enigma.

Although the media commentary was not a million miles from the mark in depicting the 2008 local elections as a wipe-out for Labour, they were nowhere nearly as bad as our defeats in 1968 or 1978, which presaged Tory General Election victories. The reason for this was, of course, that we have now reached such a low point that there wasn't a huge amount to lose. In 2008 we started with only 2,699 of the 8,419 council seat total, with the Tories 199 seats ahead before the elections and 790 ahead after the final results were declared.

So our strategy for the future is obvious. With only 2,365 seats to lose now, we should do better and better in future when compared with the disasters of the '60s and '70s. Projecting ahead another 50 years, it looks likely that even in a particularly bad year we will lose almost no seats in the local elections. So these people on a council estate in Gosport commiserating this year's decimation of Labour by the LibDems will have absolutely nothing to worry about:

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Sheep Nominate Pussycat

I had a good laugh the other day at the miserable failure of Fran Griffith's CLP secretary to send her nomination in on time due to some pathetic excuse such as serious illness or death.

Now it appears that the Grassroots Alliance - or at least its main component the Campaign For Labour Party Democracy - has decided to urge its large flock of woolly minded supporters to use their sixth vote for the regal and attentive Blairite feline Ellie Reeves.

Not everyone on the left of the Party has greeted this decision with acclaim. Bernard Ingham look-alike, unreconstructed hippy, Grand Witch of Hebden and aptly named journalist Susan Press is distinctly unhappy. Oh dear!

I do hate it when Labour Party members take their pet issue and stir it up into an veritable farmyard of discontent inside an already-disintegrating Party.

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Missing The Point

According to today's Guardian, former Blair speechwriter Phil Collins thinks that the real problem the Government has is "that Labour's faith in central government draws from the deep, poisoned well of its Fabian tradition" and instead "the only hope for the party is to excavate its liberal treasure". I must be missing the point, as I don't understand a single word of his argument. Regular readers will, however, know that I'm a big fan of his and Linda and I have a lot of his earlier writing amongst our collection at home. Here's one about Labour voters that I particularly like. It's called "Against All Odds":

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you
Ooh, you're the only one who really knew me at all.

How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave'
'Cos we shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now
Well, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face.

Oh, take a look at me now
there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now
Well, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face.

Now take a look at me now
'Cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face.

Take a look at me now
'Cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take.
Take a look at me now.

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Self Liquidating Party

Back in Stokie and pleased to be back in the fray. After all, there's only so much sun, sand and sangria a chap can take!

Tory bloggers like Iain Dale are being surprisingly restrained in their post-Crewe analysis, suggesting that Labour needs to effect the transition from Gordon Brown to a new leader in a cautious and measured way if the Labour Party is not to suffer badly at the next General Election. There are plenty of wind-up merchants out there, of course, and I did laugh especially loudly when I read the fantasy scenarios put about by non-aligned libertarian Guido, who argued that Labour will "lose catastrophically" and "the party could swing to the left after a general election to Cruddas or McDonnell - condemning them to decades of opposition."

Now I'm not complacent about the possibility of us losing badly. Obviously a political half-wit can see that we won't lose "catastrophically", but then Guido doesn't believe that either. Like my impersonator, he just likes to make fatuous arguments for the hell of it. Some people are simply PR mad!

I think there's a real risk of a left-wing putsch if we don't get our act together and the second part of Guido's prediction could definitely be possible, because both of the left-wing MPs he suggests as possible leaders are relatively safe even under a disaster scenario - Jon Cruddas has a majority of 7,605 votes (188th largest in parliament) and in any event is extremely popular amongst that section of the electorate most likely to desert Labour, while John McDonnell has a massive majority of 10,847 votes, making him the 87th safest MP in the House. Both of these contenders would require a swing far greater than occurred in Crewe in order to dislodge them - in the case of Cruddas nearly 50% and for McDonnell over 60%. The hard left know this, but I must confess that in their reactions so far I cannot detect any narrow sectarian reaction or attempt to get factional advantage from the Party's current troubles - they are just as horrified by the prospect of a Tory victory as I am, and know there will be no winners inside the Labour Party if we head into another long period in opposition.

It's clear what the Party needs to do right now. Gordon must reshuffle the Cabinet to get rid of the less successful and less popular faces and introduce some new blood.

Regular readers will know that the cabinet minister I'd like to see leading the regeneration of Party fortunes on behalf of Gordon is Hazel Blears, MP for Salford. But she came bottom of the poll in the recent Deputy Leadership contest and controversies such as Hope Hospital, Bangladeshi sweatshop workers and collapsing offices being a sign from above have effectively sealed her fate.

Current cabinet ministers I think Gordon should retain include John Hutton, Jack Straw, Ed Balls, John Denham, Andy Burnham and Geoff Hoon. And as candidates for promotion to the Cabinet I suggest ardent and unwavering loyalists Bill Rammell (Harlow), Claire Ward (Watford), Laura Moffatt (Crawley), Celia Barlow (Hove), Martin Linton (Battersea), Phyllis Starkey (Milton Keynes SW), plus Howard Stoate (Dartford) and Islington's Emily Thornberry (despite the email farrago!).

With the exception of Trident replacement, on which Stoate wavered and Thornberry voted against, all of these MPs represent the kind of sensible, centrist political position within the Labour Party to which I subscribe. With a team like that, we'll have absolutely nothing to worry about after the next General Election. Based on the swing in the Crewe and Nantwich by-election, the entire Cabinet will be wiped out, leaving Gordon, with the 26th largest majority in the House, free to get on with the important business of running the country.

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Taking The Piss

I don't mind a bit of internet mickey-taking at my expense, but when the fake Luke Akehurst seizes the opportunity to visit little old Stalinist CLP members while I'm away in Andalucía and have rows with them while pretending to be me, then things are going a bit too far. As soon as word reached the village I borrowed a horse from the barman and trotted off to the comisaría de policías to ask them to go round to Aden Grove and arrest the bastard. Unfortunately, the phone lines weren't very good so I'm not sure that they understood what I was saying. I do hope Bert and Greta are OK and they weren't taken to Stoke Newington police station by mistake. Their voluntary contribution of hours and hours of work over the years has kept our CLP functioning through thick and thin and it would be a shame to have them nicked for no good reason.

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As I Was Walking Past La Asunción...

...I felt an overwhelming desire to enter the church of Nuestra Señora de la Asunción and confess my sins. As someone who was brought up as an atheist but attended a Methodist school, I'm not used to having these "Tony Blair" moments.

It was quite the strangest feeling I've experienced since that helicopter ride back in July 2006 when Andrew Neill flew me and his team to Brussels for a special election campaign edition of 'This Week'. It could be an attack of guilt, stored up over many years of spinning ridiculous political lines and trying to get rich while pretending to be on the side of the poor.

In fact I'm feeling more than a bit guilty writing this post on the Crewe & Nantwich by-election from here in Rafael's internet café on the Calle San Antonio, just down the hill from my apartment in sunny Cómpeta. The main reason for my guilt is that I told Linda I was going on a nature walk in the hills this morning, as before we flew out I'd promised my darling wife that it would be a mercifully politics, internet and email free holiday in Andalucía, booked as recuperation from the London elections before anyone knew these would be followed by a parliamentary by-election.

I didn't want to say anything about the trip when I popped in to publish a quick post on Friday night, because it gets my doppelgänger over-excited. But he seems to have found out anyway and deserted his inoperative web server to travel down to Britain's water sports capital of St. Ives for a spot of surfing with his anarchist swimming friends, plus the usual stupid fake blogging aimed at making me look like a complete twat. Mind you, no-one will believe him this time, because he's claiming to have gone away on Thursday only to come home again right at the start of the Bank Holiday long weekend. D'oh!

What I don't feel remotely guilty about is having deserted the sad and exceedingly dim members of the Crewe and Nantwich CLP on Thursday, leaving them to pound the streets of Crewe to suffer the abuse of the electorate armed only with the campaign lines spun out by their local PR team. I mean to say, anyone stupid enough to put up a third-generation political dynasty candidate who owns a landed estate and is listed in Burke's Peerage and then attack the Tory opponent as a "toff" deserves everything they get. Even I couldn't have managed to spin that one successfully!

Don't get me wrong, of course. I'm 100% in favour of personal attack campaigning - it works and you need to give voters reasons not to vote for your opponents, as well as reasons to vote for you. The world of politics is littered with failed candidates who told the truth. And anyone who knows me knows I believe that attack campaigning should be no-holds-barred. After all, I was one of the pioneers of dirty-tricks spin a decade or so ago, in the days when I plotted to smear LibDem candidates, tried to shaft Ken Livingstone and was known as the Labour Rent Boy.

Where we made a mistake in Crewe was in not complementing our dirty tricks campaign by playing up Labour's strengths. In the case of Moyra Dunwoody, we allowed the campaign stunt of trying to make her look like the ordinary poor, single mother next-door to take centre stage - the political equivalent to playing the gentry, not the ball.

This made it look like we didn't have much to say about policy, when in fact Moyra had a lot of good ideas about local regeneration. As someone who has recently acquired several acres of exquisite National Park land adjacent to her existing estate with a view to development and regeneration, she is well qualified to advise Crewe residents on their back extensions and dormer windows.

The real reason for the swing against us was that the electorate simply didn't understand the massive benefits that New Labour has brought to them. This wasn't an election decided by the local tactics, it was decided by the national strategic picture. We should have focused much more on Gordon's £2.7bn "slump-busting" give-away. In fact I'd go further. Ordinary people are being screwed economically at the moment. Anyone trying to renew a mortgage at the end of its term is facing a huge hike in interest rates and the necessities of life like groceries and fuel are shooting up in price. In these circumstances I think we were lucky to have got away with pounding the streets of Crewe without getting stoned (mind you, there's less chance of that since Jacqui's Class B re-classification).

What the dour grumpy old Scotsman needs to do is to stop droning on about how good he is at steering the economic ship, and about trusting Labour to steer the ship through troubled waters. The trust will come back when actions we start taking actually make people's material conditions better. In short, we need to step up the level of bribes. Alistair Darling should have a list put together of all the mortgage holders (including myself) whose current agreements are about to terminate, get some PR consultants to analyse the data and work out which ones are floating voters and make sure that they are "helped" financially. In the case of my (about to be former) mortgage lender Northern Rock, the Government actually now owns the bank. So it wouldn't take a genius down at The Treasury to pull some levers imaginatively to help the home-owners concerned by offering them affordable mortgage repayments (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). Mind you, it might take someone a bit smarter than Alistair Darling... but then what a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone by having the Chancellor take the blame for Crewe and Nantwich and be replaced!


I haven't been reading much here - the views are far too spectacular for staying indoors. I've just been sitting on the balcony sun-lounger gazing down on the village and thinking what a wonderful place Cómpeta is. So much nicer than that awful place Crewe with its hordes of ingrates. And so much nicer than Hackney, with its chavs, its gangs and its bloody cyclists, swimmers and spoof bloggers. After holidays like this, I don't know why I ever bother to come home.

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I've Discovered Who The Fake Luke Akehurst Is

If it looks like a connection, feels like a connection and smells like a connection, it's probably a connection.

The fake Luke Akehurst hasn't published for over a week. At the time of writing this, his last post was "New Blog", published at 12:52pm on Thursday 15th May. And the swimming terrorists of Not The Clissold Leisure Centre - the despicable anti-Council anarchist website - have been offline for the same period of time.

A coincidence?

Not for them of us what went to public school. In the immortal words of Hackney's own Gina Yashere... I don't think so!

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Where Is Everyone?

Having been away for a day or so in Pembrokeshire and Cheshire and recently returned to Stokie, I seem to have lost the Labour Party. I've been phoning people, looking at their blogs and websites and sending text messages but... absolutely nothing!

Even my spoofster seems to have disappeared. I know we were in financial difficulty and the polls weren't looking too good for us, but surely that's no excuse for doing a runner. If anyone has seen the Labour Party recently and has information as to its whereabouts, could you ask them to contact me please at Flat 1, 8 Beatty Road, London, N16 8EB.

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Back From Fighting The Toffs

Gosh, I'm knackered. I've pulled muscles I didn't even know I had. Don't let anyone tell you that landed gentry just sit around all day doing nothing, like the characters in The Royle Family. Just the walking alone was enough to shag out someone more used to popping round to Stoke Newington High Street for a quick take-away.

The gardens weren't 1½ acres as I'd been led to believe - Moyra had acquired another 4½ acres or so to enlarge the estate ready for an ambitious redevelopment project (wow, was she spitting teeth over the fall in property prices and, worse still, blaming it on Alistair Darling!). And then there was the horse riding, which has given me such painful rashes you-know-where that I can hardly walk.

Apart from the aches and pains, I thought we had a pretty good day all in all. Lots of people shouting: "Down with the toff!" and "Hereditary candidate, sod off!".

So I was more than a bit disappointed to see the betting odds when I got home. Even the bookmakers are in cahoots with the Tories against us now. I expect Rupert Murdoch has paid them to quote false odds. Just wait for tomorrow - I'm sure Labour is going to win.

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All Hands To The Septic Tank Pumps

I'm putting out a call for local party activists to come and help with the Crewe and Nantwich by-election campaign. As you know, it's vital that we keep control of this seat at a time when the media is whipping up a campaign of lies and vitriol against the Labour Party, the Prime Minister and our candidate Moyra Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey. We're all meeting up at Moyra's place as early as possible tomorrow morning to organise the canvassing, sort out the leaflets and posters and allocate streets to canvassing teams. It's dead easy to get there from London, as shown on the map below, although a four-wheel drive vehicle would be helpful for negotiating the final part of the route down to the estate:



Once you get to Haverfordwest, follow the A40 up into the Pembrokeshire National Park until you come to Wolfscastle, turn right and make your way across the scenic countryside to Cwarre Dduon, which is well signposted:



For those arriving by private helicopter, you'll recognise the place from the following aerial photograph and you can land anywhere near the mansion that looks sensible, as there's about 1.5 acres of back garden (although do try to avoid disturbing the neighbouring farmers' sheep and cattle):



There are plenty of horses available to take everyone across country into Crewe and Nantwich. We'll be dressed in a smart red and yellow livery to distinguish us from the rabble of Tories and LibDem saboteurs who'll be in jeans, teeshirts and trainers. Afterwards, we've all been invited to head back to the estate for tea and tiffin and - if the weather holds up - we might be able to get a bit of shooting in. There's plenty of wild rabbit at this time of year and we might even be able to bag some larger game if we're lucky.

I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow and in the meantime, don't forget our by-election campaign slogan:

TALLY HO TO STOP THE TORY TOFFS!!!

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When The Levy Broke

Regular readers will know only too well that I've never been totally comfortable with the role of Michael 'Abe' Levy in the Labour Party. I've worried about his sex life, I've had nightmares about him and I've agonised about his gongs. I've even imagined him incarcerated in a small safe.

When Lord Cashpoint published his memoirs last month, like most people I got a nasty case of the 'TB-GBs'. I didn't much care for Abe's revelation that Tony thought Gordon was a liar, a hopeless leader and incapable of defeating Macaroon. Nor did I like his assertions that Gordon knew all about the cash for honours business and the secret loans, despite the PM having denied this strenuously, outside and inside the House. But most of all I was unhappy about Levy's references to Carole Caplin's "increasingly long massages" of Tony Blair. Now that's just unnecessary, malicious sexual tittle-tattle.

So I was delighted to read Abe's wonderful piece in Totally Jewish this morning. It describes so eloquently and poignantly how Abe recently embarked on a pilgrimage to revisit his roots - down the now unrecognisable Ridley Road, past the now-defunct Shacklewell Lane synagogue, along by the long since failed and demolished Hackney Downs School and up Murder Mile to the Lea Bridge Road. As Abe says in his interview, these locations "were a powerful reminder to me that however 'poor' most people in Hackney were - and no matter how much worse life became for many of them - I enjoyed a privileged upbringing and eventually became extraordinarily rich."

Ah, how touching. I was really moved. Linda cried when I read it out loud. "Why can't you make serious gelt, like Abe?", she wept.

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New Nasties

My friend Gertrude Dunwinning asked me to post a link to this morning's Guardian blog post from John Harris. "Why are they saying this about us?", she demanded to know. "Why has the Guardian suddenly become so right-wing?"

Moyra Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey (Hereditary Rule & Register All Immigrants)

The article refers to our perfectly reasonable tactic of dressing up in top hat and tails to stalk the Crewe & Nantwich candidate, "Tory Boy" Timpson. After all, he does come from a rich property-owning family - unlike anyone in the Labour Party. We should attack him for being a "toff", despite the fact that the family has spent a large proportion of its wealth, in typical Quaker style, supporting abused, neglected and vulnerable children in the community. I mean, we can't get all sentimental about that sort of thing now, can we? And we did give back the money we stole from the poorest electors.

Eddie Timpson (Children's Rights)

Whereas I don't mind putting the class war boot in, I am a bit queasy about the CLP playing the race card against the establish Polish community. Apparently we've been suggesting that, unlike our good selves, the Tories might oppose "making foreign nationals carry an ID card". That doesn't seem quite right to me. Nor did Labour campaigning openly as the party with the hereditary candidate, under the slogan: "Tamsin Dunwoody will always stand up for you and your family, she's a Dunwoody after all." Mind you, I do like Harris's final sentence: "...right now, the Tories really are sounding more progressive than Labour, and that way lies not just electoral defeat, but the prospect of complete wipe-out." He did mean a wipe-out of the Tories, didn't he?

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NEC Nominations

Someone emailed me this last night. I don't find it the remotest bit funny.

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Yesterday's Announcement

Well done to the PM and Chancellor for doing the right thing on the 10p rate compensation - and making sure the solution also benefits hard-pressed basic rate taxpayers suffering from the credit crunch and food and fuel prices.

To hell with the massive chorus of ribaldry coming from those who believe it was the desperate act of a desperate man cornered. I'm sure that decision will reflect itself in Labourhome's Grassroots Survey very shortly, lifting Gordon and Alistair off the bottom of the league table. What a great idea league tables were, by the way. I wonder who introduced them into the public sector?

I can't help wishing that the tax giveaway had been done on April 14th and not May 14th, as we would thereby have bought ourselves a Labour Mayor of London and a few hundred Labour councillors and saved many thousands of people from being forced to vote for enduring Tory cuts and ineptitude at their local town halls. Well done to Frank Field - a man I've long admired - both for his dogged pursuit of this issue and for his public apology yesterday which has hopefully drawn a line under the less-than-edifying exchange of insults over the weekend. I've written to Ruth and asked her to arrange his excommunication at the earliest possible opportunity.

I was delighted to see Tamsin Dunwoody resolutely refusing to answer the thrice-asked question: "Is Gordon an asset or a liability?". "The Prime Minister is the Prime Minister - unanimously elected to lead the Party - I'm here to win the by-election and that's what I'm concentrating on." That's the way to fight off the bullies, Tamsin. Good on yer girl!

I think we are now in with a shout in Crewe - I haven't been able to get up there because after my brief affair with Captain Mortimer Linda threatened to leave me if I spent any more time on the stump with strange women. However, friends who have say the canvassing even before yesterday's announcement indicated it was competitive but still winnable. And with the bookmakers only offering as low as 1/7 or 1/8 on the Conservatives, that looks almost as achievable a goal as Ken beating Boris here in London.

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Talk To The Hand...

...'cos the face sure ain't listening.

How dare the millionaire left-wing Labour Party fantasist Neal Lawson claim the moral high ground and demand in The Independent that Gordon should step down and return to The Treasury?

How dare he claim in The Guardian that the local elections saw the final collapse of the New Labour project?

How dare he fill the columns of The Spectator blog this morning under the banner Brown loses his Compass?

Ed Balls is right - it's all the fault of Darling and Field and they'll have to go, along with Lawson. Once we've thrown them out of the Party, we can get back to listening.

As long, of course, as it's not listening to Cherie.

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This Poll

Yes, the one published by Rupert Murdoch just before he finally jumps ship and declares the full support of his empire for the Conservatives. The one showing the Tories 26% ahead of Labour, with the Tories on 49% and Labour on 23% - the lowest rating for the Labour Party since Ramsay MacDonald. Things wouldn't be so bad if the poll didn't show that these figures depend on the charisma of Gordon Brown as Leader - with even worse results predicted under the leadership of prospective successors Ed Balls, David Miliband, Jack Straw, Harriet Harman, Andy Burnham, Alan Johnson and James Purnell - as well as Tony Blair on a comeback tour.

Electoral Calculus projects a Tory majority of 56 if a General Election were to take place tomorrow, based on local opinion poll results and electoral boundary changes. I don't want to publish the analysis of the May 1st results I've seen, because I don't want to be responsible for a number of Labour MPs defending majorities in excess of 15,000 jumping off Big Ben. But here goes anyway - the following Labour MPs would be pretty much guaranteed to lose their seats based on last week's results:

Nick Ainger, Janet Anderson, Ian Austin, Gordon Banks, Celia Barlow, Roger Berry, Bob Blizzard, David Borrow, Ben Bradshaw, Russell Brown, Karen Buck, Colin Burgon, Alan Campbell, Martin Caton, Ian Cawsey, Ben Chapman, David Chaytor, Charles Clarke, Vernon Coaker, Rosie Cooper, David Crausby, Mary Creagh, Jon Cruddas, Ann Cryer, Jim Cunningham, Claire Curtis-Thomas, Janet Dean, Parmjit Dhanda, Andrew Dismore, David Drew, Clive Efford, Jim Fitzpatrick, Paul Flynn, Barbara Follett, Michael Foster, Michael Foster, Ian Gibson, Linda Gilroy, Patrick Hall, Mike Hall, Fabian Hamilton, Sylvia Heal, Phil Hope, Kelvin Hopkins, Lindsay Hoyle, Joan Humble, John Hutton, Brian Jenkins, Sally Keeble, Ann Keen, Ruth Kelly, Sadiq Khan, David Kidney, Jim Knight, David Lepper, Tom Levitt, Martin Linton, Andrew Mackinlay, Shahid Malik, Judy Mallaber, John Mann, Robert Marris, Eric Martlew, Christine McCafferty, Sarah McCarthy-Fry, James McGovern, Shona McIsaac, Tony McNulty, Gillian Merron, Andrew Miller, Laura Moffatt, Chris Mole, Margaret Moran, Julie Morgan, Kali Mountford, Doug Naysmith, Dan Norris, Mike O'Brien, Bill Olner, Albert Owen, Nick Palmer, Ian Pearson, James Plaskitt, Greg Pope, Gordon Prentice, Gwyn Prosser, Bill Rammell, Jamie Reed, Andy Reed, Linda Riordan, Chris Ruane, Christine Russell, Martin Salter, Jonathan Shaw, Marsha Singh, Andrew Slaughter, Angela Smith, Geraldine Smith, Andrew Smith, Jacqui Smith, John Smith, Anna Snelgrove, Helen Southworth, Phyllis Starkey, Howard Stoate, Gisela Stuart, David Taylor, Dari Taylor, Gareth Thomas, Emily Thornberry, Mark Todd, Paul Truswell, Desmond Turner, Lynda Waltho, Claire Ward, Betty Williams, Michael Wills, Mike Wood, Tony Wright, David Wright.

Still, it's not all bad news. The list may include four Cabinet Ministers, but it also includes Jon Cruddas.

So where now? Is the New Labour Project finished, as claimed by Seumas Milne in The Guardian, Rishabh Bhandari in The Times of India, Steve Richards in the Independent and many other Labour-hating journalists. Or is Peter Mandelson in The Daily Telegraph right when he tells Gordon that he's not New Labour enough? I think you know where I stand on this. I just hope the Labour MPs above will see sense and be prepared to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.

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Dog Tags

I'm not a great fan of tags - the online equivalent of chain letters - but other kids didn't often invite me to take part in playground games when I was at school, so I'm really quite chuffed.

I've been asked to tell you six random things about me by the former Labour MP for Reading East, Jane Griffiths. I hope that I don't get into trouble for responding to her request as the former GCHQ linguist is currently on the run from HM Customs and Revenue and Reading County Court, having done a bunk to Latvia rather than appear in the dock to face bankruptcy charges. She now claims to be working for "a European institute in Strasbourg". I can't imagine what that could be, but I suspect she may be getting advice on avoiding prosecution from Peter Mandelson.

At risk of being associated with controversial, deselected, conservative, bankrupt, absconding Labour MPs, here goes:

• I like pork scratchings (can you tell?);
• I came 42nd in the Kent Schools three-legged cross-country egg & spoon race in 1984;
• my second toe is longer than my big toe (this is called Morton's toe and is the main reason why I can't run fast);
• my favourite computer game is Resident Evil 4 (I always play the Mayor, badly);
• I have an A grade in Religious Studies O Level (not bad for an atheist and very useful for when Augustus is old enough to need a decent secondary school);
• my favourite holiday destination is Cómpeta in Andalucia, a village extremely popular with former members of planning committees for some reason, and where I have an apartment overlooking the sea.
  

Meanwhile, Crudas supporter Will Parbury has instructed me to:

• Pick up the nearest book
• Open to page 123
• Find the fifth sentence
• Post the next three sentences
• Tag five people and acknowledge who tagged you

The Prince, by Niccolò Machiavelli, (published 1515)

P.123, fifth sentence:

"A prince, therefore, ought always to take counsel, but only when he wishes and not when others wish; he ought rather to discourage every one from offering advice unless he asks it; but, however, he ought to be a constant inquirer, and afterwards a patient listener concerning the things of which he inquired; also, on learning that any one, on any consideration, has not told him the truth, he should let his anger be felt."

Next three sentences:

"And if there are some who think that a prince who conveys an impression of his wisdom is not so through his own ability, but through the good advisers that he has around him, beyond doubt they are deceived, because this is an axiom which never fails: that a prince who is not wise himself will never take good advice, unless by chance he has yielded his affairs entirely to one person who happens to be a very prudent man. In this case indeed he may be well governed, but it would not be for long, because such a governor would in a short time take away his state from him. But if a prince who is not experienced should take counsel from more than one he will never get united counsels, nor will he know how to unite them."

I'm tagging:

Paul Anderson
Dave Osler
Susan Press
Kerron Cross
Luke Young
and, because I can't count up to five correctly,
Alix Mortimer

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I'm Back - And No, I Haven't Destroyed My Political Career

Wow, I needed that! After the difficulties of last Thursday and Friday, I was desperate to get away from it all, so Linda and I headed off to our apartment in Andalucia for a few days, leaving Augustus with his grandmother for a change. The sun, sea and sangria were fantastic, although I must admit that I missed Hackney weather, London Fields lido and a pint of John Smith's. Mind you, it would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn't been forced to wear a balaclava all week - but such is the price of fame. With all those planning committee officers wandering around the village and sunning themselves on neighbouring balconies, I had to keep covered up to avoid being recognised. It's a good job we didn't have time to venture further, as I've been fancying a trip to Burma for some time. But the place has been devastated by a cyclone named after one of my Councillors, which is strange because she's not at all windy or wet.

For those who were on Mars last week and don't know about my media career launch, here are clips of me leading the Election Night blogging team, with Iain the ugly Tory and Alix the tasty LibDem playing minor roles in the background. Have I destroyed my own political career, as suggested by Emily Maitlis? I don't think so! Her helpful suggestion: "do let us help you", accompanied by sniggering from Dimbleby, fellow bloggers and members of the camera crew was just a sign of their jealousy. I don't see anything funny about having had Ken Livingstone use my flat for essential bodily functions while out canvassing. After all, what alternative did he have given that we've closed down all the public conveniences? The fact that I spun the story so my place became the "campaign headquarters for the key Labour area of Hackney North" deserved better than the suggestion from Maitlis that I should install a blue plaque inscribed "Ken Livingstone pissed here".

I think I got it just about right, with such comments as "Labour morale seems to be holding up quite well", "I've been talking up some of the good results Labour's had" and my masterpiece of political prediction for the mayoral contest: "We've got to get into the count tomorrow and see exactly how the votes weigh up before we can predict that". I don't think the latter comment deserved Maitlis's comment about people smiling and not being able to get inside the mind of a blogger. There's nothing difficult about getting inside my mind, I can assure you! I summed it all up with my tour de force: "I think the New Labour brand isn't necessarily sullied... that actually the public like the combination of economic efficiency and tough-on-crime and social justice that New Labour stands for... it's just the 10p thing made them think we'd lost sight of the social justice element". So there you have it. We'll give you all your 10p back and Gordon will be swept back into office with a massive majority at the next General Election. However bad things may have been for Labour on the night, they could have been worse. We could have had Portaloo on our side, endorsing our mayoral candidate: That cheered me up no end. I'm looking forward to Brillo's comments on the next episode of This Week.

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I'm On Holiday

Oh, f**k it. It's Bank Holiday weekend and after last week's humiliation I simply cannot get round to writing anything without feeling sick. I expect my doppelgänger will manage to be his usual perky self (as opposed to his usual pinky self - couldn't resist a little Iain Dale joke there) and write endless columns of mindless rubbish.

If I know him - and I ought to by now - he'll post about how the whole Party except for me is going down the wrong path, how Labour will never get back into power until Compass is squashed, how some Cabinet Ministers are grinning through gritted teeth and others plotting a coup and how the election really wasn't as bad as people are making out. He might even write something about the NEC, the Australian Labor Party or what Boris will do about Ken's Venezuelan oil deal. And one thing's for sure. He's bound to generate endless f**king lists of constituencies where the vote held up or swung Labour's way in places nobody has ever heard of. As for me - I'm enjoying the sun while it's here. You never know what might happen if Gordon Brown goes outside and looks upwards.

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Second "Intellectual Giant" And Gay Porn Film Director Elected

Last July I published an incisive article about a couple I described at the time as "two intellectual giants of the [London Mayoral] election contest - Boffmeister of the Fourth Estate and Boris "Buffoon" Johnson, or "Pride" and "Prejudice" as they are popularly known."

I went on to say: "As far as the latter is concerned, I only need to emphasise the extent to which the Old Etonian MP for leafy Henley and former member of the Bullingdon Club ("The Bullies") will really understand the problems facing Hackney and other inner city boroughs. Boffmeister, editor-in-chief of Dalston's rag mag [EastEight], tree-planter (carbon offsets for his magazine waste paper!) and constant harpie attacker of Hackney Council from the left (eh? - is that right, Linda?) may know a bit more about Hackney, but he's just as easy to ridicule. Boffie is a man whose personal vote is such that he lost Hornsey and Wood Green to Labour in the 1992 General Election with a stunning 3.8% drop in the Tory vote, at a time when Labour nationally increased its vote by only 3.6%. And, of course, we gave him a good stuffing last May." Obviously two total morons, but ones whom Labour could easily deal with and neutralise politically. So yesterday one became London Mayor and the other was elected to the Greater London Assembly, at the head of the Conservative top-up list.

Boffmeister of the GLA

Boffmeister joins an interesting group of no fewer than 11 openly gay, lesbian and bisexual GLA members, none of whom will appeal greatly to the BNP, whose leader Nick Griffin recently wrote: "The word gay means happy, we have no problem with being happy. Some unfortunate people suffer from homosexuality so we will just have to tolerate them. If I was one I would be ashamed and would remain celibate." Speaking of the the summer gay pride parades he said: "I call it gay shame, a freak show, revolting. I know it's politically incorrect, but that's what we are." Which must have sounded very comforting to the former homoerotic film director and newly-elected BNP representative on the GLA, Richard Barnbrook, one of the 11 openly GLB members of the assembly. La-di-dah.

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It's All The Fault Of The Bastard I Supported

I'm very proud today. Ken Livingstone's speech just now was dignified, appropriate and set entirely the right tone. He will go down in history alongside great oratory in death. "Kiss me, Hardy. Thank God I have done my duty." "I'm just going outside. I may not be back for some time." "I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace." "Et tu, Brute?"

On the other hand, it was all the snivelling nasal bastard's own fault. If only he'd listened to people like me and engaged the Labour election machine earlier, he would have won. But Red Ken remains Red Ken. Just like John Kerry and Al Gore he refused to reach out to voters in the centre ground and stuck to his entrenched Trotskyite policies - such as supporting the Olympics, deploying more police, attacking striking London Underground workers, urging non-union workers to scab, defended Ian Blair over the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, privatising the East London Line and developing close relations with City bankers, fund managers and multinational conglomerates.

If only Ken had the sense to adopt our strategy of "triangulation", I'm sure he would have won comfortably. He should have reached out to potential BNP voters, white van men and suburban dwellers in general instead of wasting time on his natural supporters. Trades unionists, poor people and the underclass (if they can be bothered to get out of bed) will vote for us anyway, so sod them.

And he should not have been photographed standing next to men with Middle Eastern appearances and bushy black beards, or recorded telling journalists that Hitler was a good chap.

Bill Shankly got it right - to win you need to triangulate. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but if it was good enough for Tony Blair and for the great Liverpool side of the 1980s, it's good enough for me. Just wait until I get the job of General Secretary of the Party. There'll be triangles everywhere, just you wait and see. We can't afford prawn sandwiches any more, but there'll be plenty of Dairylea cheese spread.

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Second Votes May Just Swing It

Be prepared for the unexpected when it comes to transfer votes. Brian Paddick just admitted on BBC London that he had given his second preference to Lindsey German, om the grounds that she's the only genuinely non-homophobic candidate on the ballot form apart from himself. Maybe Ken will get loads of transfers from the BNP on the grounds that he's the candidate most likely to open the borders to lots of good-looking female immigrants for their London leader to send photos of his privates to and shag afterwards.

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Latest From The Clown

Fresh back from the count at Ally Pally to read this latest piece of witicism from the anarcho-fascist Paul Staines, obviously typed into his computer with the left hand while his right one was busy celebrating the Tory victory and decision by his countryman Paddy Power to pay out on Boris win bets.

POSITION VACANT

Our client, a large scale public sector operator, is seeking a new head of operations. Candidates must be able to deal sensitively with an under pressure CEO in a highly stressful environment and willing to be on-call 24-hours a day.

The enterprise is heavily indebted with declining revenue and critical solvency issues that make it an exciting opportunity in the growing area of sub-prime credit risk. The ideal candidate will be expected to personally underwrite any credit risk. Facing increasing competitive threats which have eroded market share from first to third place, the ideal candidate will be able to enthuse a demoralised and disappointed workforce. Job may require occasional liason with law enforcement officers.

The job is suitable for someone with experience of turning around failing organisations. Pay is limited, based in London.

Interested parties should contact Mr G. Brown, Listening Leader of the Labour Party, C/O Downing Street, London SW1.

Well, Staines, the last laugh is on you. My application (typed with both hands) is already in the post. I have all the necessary qualifications for the job and it's just the sort of opportunity I've been waiting for. I can't wait to get started.

My feelings are best summed up in the words of our Mediterranean island sister organisation (apologies for the fact that they can now afford a microphone but they're still saving up to buy a camcorder):

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Off To Pray For A Miracle

I won't be blogging after this post as I am dragging myself along to Alexandra Palace for the final stages of the London count. Before that though I will be having lunch at the Geffrye Museum cafe with Augustus Akehurst and two other under-3s, which will remind me what life in the Labour Cabinet could have been like had I become an MP and progressed from there.

I'm not praying for Ken to win, of course. That would be a miracle. No, I'm praying that the results for the North East constituency sufficiently obfuscate the Hackney vote that no-one notices any inconsistencies between today's count and the 2002 and 2006 local election results. The last thing we want in Hackney is for some smart arse from a university in Vilnius to write reports breaking down the vote and claiming that it shows irreconcilable discrepancies with the Borough local election results and asking how that could possibly be the case.

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The Only Way Is Up - Way Up

The last time Labour did this badly in the local elections, the Beatles were top of the charts, Flower Power was all the rage and I wasn't born. Now, 40 years on, these bloody former hippies are all voting Tory. What the hell is going on?

Still, I'm sure we'll learn the lessons. All we need to do is listen more carefully and make sure that our successes are properly communicated to the electorate. So, starting tomorrow it's more focus groups and more PR consultants.

Whoopie! The only way is up. A long, long way up.

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Election Night Live Blog

02:33 - Sod it - I've had enough. Everybody else is getting pissed and I'm not going to sit here any longer. I'm off for a good night's sleep before the London count and Ken's triumph tomorrow.

02:22 - At least we don't get the knives out for our candidates before their victories have even been declared. Michael Portillo a few minutes ago: "Of course Boris is a particularly unreliable person. How on earth he's going to run a city like London I just don't know".

02:19 - Oh dear, Kelvin McKenzie didn't win Weybridge. What a shame!

02:12 - I seem to be blogging all on my own here. I think Emily has side-tracked Iain to play with his crotch again.

02:10 - Great news - Labour gains 3 seats and the Greens 1 to take Liverpool from LibDem control to NOC. You know what I think about NOC. It's what I blamed for all the chaos in Hackney a few years ago. But I'm sure it'll be different in Liverpool. Although I can't for the life of me think why.

01:53 - I think there may be some quite unpleasant news coming from the sheep-shaggers fairly soon. That'll please Anne Robinson. I know she loves the place.

01:52 - Now they're taking the piss. I can absolutely assure everyone that Labour will not come third in projected share of the vote.

01:50 - The Tories have seized control of Bury, with 26 seats to our 16.

01:45 - Great news - Labour have nearly won control of Oxford, the council that we controlled after 17 of the 22 elections since 1979.

01:36 - Maitlis is lowering the tone to new depths. She's just asked Lynne Featherstonehaugh (that's Fanshaw to you and me) whether Clegg is expecting his percentage in the polls to reach the same number as his female conquests. By the way, Iain's right about one thing. Clegg has disappeared completely. I wonder if he's raising the bar on his poll target.

01:29 - At least Labour isn't losing any seats in the north.

01:26 - I've had this brilliant idea. Everything that Gordon touches turns to s**t, so I'm going to put it about that everywhere Cameron goes turns into a Labour triumph. I wonder if anyone out there is stupid enough to believe me?

01:25 - Clearly Emily has been leaning a bit too firmly on Iain's crotch. Now he's suggesting that Miss Maitlis might like to engage in some woman-on-woman action with the actress Clemency. And it's only half past one.

01:22 - Tomorrow's Financial Times, under the banner "Smashed In The Ballots" is predicting that Gordon Brown will take a serious step to the left, dismissing the remnants of Blair's New Labour team and trying to project a more Old Labour image.

01:20 - I'm sure it won't be as bad as they are predicting. I mean to say - Labour 24%, Tories 44% - that's ridiculous!

01:03 - With about half of the votes counted in the "key wards", the figures against Labour's disastrous all-time-low in 2004 show Labour down another 2% and the Tories up 7%. Oh well, at least we're bound to do better next time. "The only way is up..."

01:01 - I'm pissed off that Emily has been playing with Iain's crotch, but hasn't been anywhere near me.

12:55 - We've lost Hull, Hartlepool and Harlow. I'm getting very worried about places beginning with "H". But things are fine in Hackney. Mostly because we're not going to the polls today.

12:46 - The Tories have taken Southampton in a shock result. John Denham is looking distinctly worried.

12:40 - I just heard that we lost Nuneaton in something approaching a wipeout.

12:24 - I know we lost Blaenau Gwent to the Independents (ex-Labour), but surely not the Council....?

12:14 - We're being massacred in Birmingham. I blame Jasper Carrot myself. Maybe he'll be Boris's appointee as BME advisor.


I've been looking over Iain Dale's shoulder and just realised how to do this election blog. I had been beginning to wonder how I would manage with hundreds of different posts - but he's shown me how to do the whole thing with one post. Simple for Dale, but not quite so easy for me. So here we go.

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Chorley, Surely?

The spoof Akehurst has learnt to impersonate me brilliantly, highlighting many of my weaknesses with stunning accuracy. However, making an incorrect declaration in his very first blog post of the evening is definitely taking the piss. Even I can get this one right:

Chorley - Euxton North
Con 908 Lab 745 Debra Platt (Conservative) takes the seat from Danny Gee (Labour)

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'Lo

I feel like I should offer a formal "hello" to both of the new readers who have found their way to my blog, despite the BBC website having posted a link to my spoofster. Typical Trots!

Welcome, and please feel free to post in the comments section if you have any misery you want to rub into me about tonight's results, or if you think I've written something less daft than usual.

Good luck to any Labour candidates and activists still sober enough to wait up for the results tonight. Great news to start with - we've held Sunderland. It's some place up north where they build warships, so that's great news for my clients in the defence industry!

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A Lunch Outing In Stokie

This snap, kindly taken by my local blogging friend Dave Spart, shows me with my heroes Tony Blair and Gordon Brown and my life-long friends Ken Livingstone and Jennette Arnold from the GLA, together with Diane Portillo from the BBC, The Voice and Coutts Bank.

Along with a few local nonentities and a bunch of children, we were setting out from my flat in Beatty Road this afternoon to engage in positive campaigning - handing out a few hundred "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" leaflets in Stoke Newington High Street before piling into our CLP sponsor's restaurant for a delicious lunch (with fries and shakes). I asked for some foie on the side, but apparently they don't do it.

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Welcome To My BBC Election Night Audience

To those of you visiting my blog for the first time after seeing me on BBC Election Night 2008 with David Dimbleby, Emily Maitlis, Iain Dale and Alix Mortimer - welcome. I must confess that I was a bit confused at first, but now they've explained to me that I'm supposed to be discussing the election results. The Representation of the People Act 2000 means I'm severely limited in the topics on which I can offer wise comment, which doesn't really impact on me much as that's my normal condition. Still - it never stopped me opening my mouth before.

Try to be sympathetic, as I'm going to be having a very uncomfortable night. All over England and Wales there's going to be bad news for the New Labour Project, to which I'm totally committed except during occasional and inexplicable fits of pseudo-left-wing insanity. And even worse, it looks distinctly possible that my conversion from rabid Ken-hater to leading canvasser for the same Mr. Livingstone may have contributed to his downfall. I do hope he doesn't blame Gordon and me publicly afterwards.

Who am I? I'm "Luke The Nuke" - ex-public schoolboy, now Public Affairs Director of one of the world's most powerful PR conglomerates. Supporter of Israel, nuclear power stations and Trident replacement and a consultant to international armaments manufacturers and UK Government outsourcing companies. And a serial runner-up at parliamentary elections. Just the sort of chap who forms the bedrock of today's Labour Party (in partnership with the Greens).

It's because I'm Labour's face of failure that I've been selected to take part in the programme on this day when my record is expected to be especially relevant to the election results. To find out more about my absurd politics and beliefs, look in the sidebar of this blog. You'll easily recognise me on TV - I'm the really good looking ginger-haired one wedged in-between the porcine Tory blogger and the two women who know something about politics. That's me, on the left (hahaha!)

Don't be fooled by this idiot, who has been going round impersonating me ever since we had an unbelievably good result in the 2006 local elections in Hackney and I started up a blog to crow about it. You can easily tell that he's a fraudster - just read his blog and look for any clues that he might be a socialist, genuinely concerned for the working class and dispossessed. Bloody hell. Robert Tressell would have had something to say about him, alright!

Happy May Day, everyone. Workers of the world, unite - you have nothing to lose but your fixed-rate mortgages.

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