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The Luke Akehurst blog - The genuine Luke Akehurst weblog about politics, elections, the Labour Party and that ghastly Hackney place. Ignore counterfeit Luke Akehurst blogs - this is the genuine article from the chap who whips Hackney Labour councillors in his spare time.
Now with extra added ingredient Linda K Smith. Helps wash your family whiter!

"My favourite film is Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" - Luke Akehurst
"Funny and clever but not particularly nice" - Time Out
"With added foie gras, steak, soft cheese, claret and port (hic!)" - Luke Akehurst
"In gustatus perquam putidus est" - Vatican Bank
"Not so much 'Who's Who?' as 'Who's Sleeping With Whom?'" - Peter Mandelson
"You can judge a blogger's politics by the colour of their blog banner" - The spoof Luke Akehurst
"By a coalition of Trots, tree huggers, anarchists, Tories and a nasty little clique over-excited about my hair colour" - Luke Akehurst

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Short Fuse

Clare Short - always enjoyed a good bangSo Clare Short has left the PLP - more with a "ping, whizz" than a "bang.... bang, bang, bang".

I have to say that being upset by "a string of rebukes" from the Chief Whip is the feeblest reason I have ever heard for leaving the Party. I've rebuked many Hackney Councillors in my time and none of them ever resigned in consequence.

If they hadn't split up years ago over the thorny issue of private schooling, the Abbott & Corbyn Roadshow (formerly top of the charts with "Everywhere you go, I'm coming too") would have been p*****g themselves.

I think Jacqui Smith was quite restrained as I personally have long thought that Clare should be hung outside parliament - a reasonable treatment in my opinion for any traitorous Labour MP who doesn't want us to win the next election.

So good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. Everyone else who doesn't agree with The Great Leader and our tough policies against global terrorism, in favour of private development and for a cost-effective NHS should follow her out of the door. Even if it means that only Maggie Thatcher, Tony and myself are left at the end of the day.

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View From Our Flat Yesterday Morning

The view from my flat opposite Abney Park cemeteryLiving on the third floor of a block overlooking Stoke Newington High Street and the entrance to Abney Park cemetery we get to see and hear quite a bit: drug deals, crashing noises, prostitution, brawls, junkies injecting heroin, people cruising... and that's just inside our flat.

Sometimes we get disturbances outside as well, such as the firearms squad running round outside my supermarket & off-licence toting Uzi submachine guns (presumably issued by David Blunkett), naked shouting Councillors being bundled into police vans and even local kids on ASBOs taking pictures of Linda and me on their mobiles...

According to the email I've just received from Roger, our flat-sitter, Friday night was no exception to the general levels of "urban" excitement. Roger's friend Manfred was awoken at about 3am by what he claimed to be four gunshots - although apparently when Manfred describes something as "bang ....... bang, bang, bang followed by "ping whizz" you can never be quite sure what's happened.

In any event, Roger took this photo from the flat yesterday morning, inside the scene-of-crime blue tape area, and had to be logged in and out by the police to buy a Daily Mail, "Motorcycling Weekly" magazine, two croissants and a bunch of gladioli. He had to walk quite a distance as it turns out that the noise that they heard was a bullet ricocheting around inside Hamdy's newsagent and terrorist training camp. Luckily, Councillor Angus Mulready-Jones was not in the vicinity at the time.

A "fortunate miss" according to the Police...

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Hello From Cómpeta

Our holiday home, Cómpeta in AndalucíaI've been a bit quiet for the past few days because Linda, Augustus and I have been down at the apartment in Cómpeta in Andalucía. Regular readers will know that we don't have internet access from the flat, so I have to make arrangements with Rafael down at the internet café in Calle San Antonio and the b*****d always charges me three times as much as the locals because he knows how much I earn.

I haven't been able to get onto my spoofster's website recently to see what's going on, but if experience is anything to go by he will probably have been droning on about such exciting people as Ken Livingstone, Jon Cruddas, Polly Toynbee and Ruth Kelly and, of course, the usual soporific topics Progress, China, The Daily Mirror, the Party of European Socialists and Leon Trotsky. No doubt Hugo Chavez, North Korea and Clare Short will be next on this idiot's agenda.

We'll be here for another week, returning next Thursday night. In the meantime, if you want some relative excitement I recommend The Mayor of Casterbridge, War and Peace and The Bonfire of the Vanities. They are all shorter and more to the point than the works of the fake Luke Akehurst.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Blunkett Tapes, Part 98

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein had nothing compared with this little lotOnly now can the truth about what went on behind locked cabinet doors finally be revealed. I had to borrow a large screwdriver to jemmy open the cabinet doors in order to get the whiskey out and give myself the Dutch courage I needed to put my diaries onto tape.

Why publish now? You try living on no income when you've been used to a minister's salary.

The people I met in the course of my time as a minister were, quite frankly, not always up to my intellectual level. Quite flabby, in fact, most of them. And they lacked the iron discipline with which I pursued my political aims. The Heathrow panic of 2003 was typical. When I was told they were sending in the tanks I thought: "Oh my God, we can't be seen to be doing this sort of thing. Surely we can reduce airplane CO2 emissions through negotiation, rather than by force. But the civil service panicked. Only I was steadfast. Only I was right.

And then there was the sad and pathetic Nick Brown, Chief Whip, former Agriculture Secretary and Gordon's campaign manager. When BSE broke out shortly before the 2001 election he just couldn't get a grip on it all. He wanted to burn all the cattle in Britain, whereas the correct approach was vaccination. All we needed was a few pricks in fields and everything would have been alright. Just ask Ron Davies. Brown flapped about trying to make it a team game until Tony had no choice but to sack him. But I was a steadfast individual spirit. Only I was right.

I like doggies and I'm fond of pussies as wellAnother hopeless individual was Martin Narey, Director-General of the Prison Service. He reacted to my diaries by putting it about that I had an inclination to panic in tight situations. He even said that I proposed to regain control of riot-torn Lincoln prison by using the Army to machine-gun the inmates. The trouble is, of course, that he was right. He wanted to give them all extra cigarette rations and new televisions. Only I was tough enough to proposed decisive action. Only I was right.

They were all like that. Weak, intellectually flabby, indecisive and most of them unable to maintain a good erection without the aid of viagra. Only I could manage to run a government department while shagging Sadie and fixing a nice Winalot dinner for the Editor of the Sextator.

God, how I fancied stroking that after a long day's work and a few bevvies

Only I am sane. The rest of them are all mad. Even Tony, who was my bestest mate in all the world and never ever let me down, even he was a bit mad. That's why I was sacked. They all ganged up against me. All the lunatics. But I will return one day to claim the crown that is rightfully mine. Because I am the only sane person left on the entire planet. And even I'm a little bit doolally. Just a little bit.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Swedes And Turnips

Laugh? I nearly cried. Just 10 days after Fredrik Reinfeldt's centre-right coalition defeated my beloved Swedish Social Democrats and formed the new government, two ministers have resigned amidst accusations of financial irregularity. On Saturday Trade Minister Maria Borelius resigned after admitting hiring nannies without paying taxes and employer's fees. Today Culture Minister Stego Chilo also resigned on similar grounds, after admitting that she had not paid her television licence fee for 16 years and had not paid employer taxes when taking on a nanny.

We are so much better at covering up our little mistakes than they areWhat a bunch of turnips, I say. You don't get British Labour Government ministers resigning over little mistakes like these. Indeed, you don't get out government ministers resigning over much larger mistakes, such as failing to declare permanent £multi-million loans, starting international wars over non-existent WMD and selling honours for cash.

Failing to declare fees paid to nannies, indeed! What kind of nonsense is this? If we all resigned over this sort of thing there'd be none of us left.

Linda, about our cleaning lady...

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

Think California, Think Hackney

In complete counterbalance to the ludicrous Webmacaroon, have a look at this tender and beautiful video clip from PatCorpFilms of Hackney, showing the borough in its true light. It's so good to see the citizens of Hackney making celebratory films. This is what Labour is all about.

Think Orange Country. Think beautiful people. Think glorious locations. Think Hackney. (Except, of course, for the shots of the ugly and wasteful Hackney Marshes, which we will shortly be turning into a socially useful car park for the Olympics.)

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Cameron Videoblogs Fall Flat

I told you Webmacaroon would attract about as much interest as a rat scratching its fleas and I was right. It's all very well and good people pointing out that I couldn't manage to come higher than 35th in a popularity poll of Labour bloggers with only about 35 serious contenders, but comfort comes from the fact that the hoodie-hugger is even less interesting than me.

Um... err... welcome back to Webcameron.... um...

Posted on Friday, this video masterpiece had managed a momentous 73 viewings by this evening. It has also received two comments, the first from someone stoned: "You should be pleased that a person of power puts things you like in to practice, you'll never get the chance to do it", and the second from a member of the illiterati (probably someone from Hackney): "Wow, the dip in views since the first few videos is incredible. Get the feeling the internet doesn't care about polotics [sic]."

Wow, you'd better watch out BBC. God this rubbish makes my rubbish look brilliant!

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Friday, October 13, 2006

Army Chief Of Staff Declares War On Tony

Obviously suffering from post-traumatic shock syndromeAccording to the US media earlier tonight, British Army Chief of Staff General Sir Richard Dannatt has called for British troops to withdraw from Iraq "soon" or risk "catastophic consequences" for both Iraqi and British society.

In an unprecedented broadside against the Government's foreign policy, the General stated that the continuing presence of British troops "exacerbates the security problems" in Iraq.

This man is clearly guilty of treason and must be arrested immediately. This is not Burma, North Korea or Pakistan. We cannot have soldiers telling the government what to do.

In any event, what the hell does he know about Iraq? Who are the Green Howards, anyhow? Some sort of environmental lobby group? And to judge from this picture of him receiving a presentation portrait, he's clearly some sort of nervous wreck, falling apart.

He should be put into secure detention without delay. As we don't have any room left in the prison service, I suggest we intern him in an army camp, preferably well away from the British public. How about somwehere like... Iraq?

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Pudding Man Posts Oscar-Winning Video

LATE NEWS: Due to the hounding by Trotskyists at the BBC and in the Tory press (The Mail, The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Independent, The Mirror, The Sun, etc.) two lazy twits (Pudding Man and my ex-flatmate Thicko) been forced to withdraw this video from YouTube. I think the media are in conspiracy with the army to bring down the elected government. It's a disgrace.

A month ago I reported how I got together with Hackney's most famous former strip artist "Underpants Man" and "Pudding Man" to create a pre-emptive false split in the Party at a time when we could soundly crush the opposition. Gordon has still not forgiven me for thrusting him into the fray when he wanted a smooth and quiet back-room handover.

Now "Pudding Man" has struck another great blow for the Party, with his acclaimed video spoof of The Hoodie Hugger.

Very funny. "You want to sleep with my wife? That's cool! You like my kids? Take one. That's cool. I'm just like you." Laughed my head off. Much funnier than the rather disappointing spoof video from my old flatmate Thicko Watson.

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Street Politics

My spoofsters rarely bother to mention the hard work I do week in week out resolving the issues that really matter to my constituents. According to this Trotskyist/Conservative subversive alliance, all I ever do is debate the Labour Party national leadership issue, Lebanon, Sweden, Venezuela, taxation, Ruth Kelly, LibDems, Trotskyism, David Cameron, nuclear weapons, conspiracy theories, Diane Abbott and the House of Lords. This is, of course, complete rubbish.

I venture out with Julian to tax the peasantryI must admit, however, that I don't actually like to walk about in the streets and risk being touched by some of the more unpleasant and unhygienic peasantry. Regular readers will know how fond I am of Monty Python. In the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one peasant says to another, "Look, it's the king!" His companion asks, "How do you know it's the king?", to which he replies: "Because he hasn't got shit all over him." I'm afraid that it's a bit like that on the rare occasions when I venture out onto the streets of Hackney. "Look, it's the Councillor!".

The reality is that I do an awful lot of work for ordinary local residents over the telephone and internet. The photos below show some of the improvements that have taken place in Hackney due to my intervention. Better signing, making constructive use of grassy areas, improved rubbish disposal, demolition of tatty old buildings and erection of permanent monuments to Hackney's great leader Julian.

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Blogging Is The New Canvassing

In the ancient days, BT (before Tony), there was a breed of people known as "party activists". These chaps used to walk the local streets, meet people, hold public meetings and do something strange and rather ghastly called "canvassing". They were also prone to be trouble-makers, as for example with the well-known "activist" Wally Wolfpack, infamous for repeatedly disrupting great leadership speeches at party conference.

Thankfully we have now cleared most of this riff-raff out of the modern Labour Party and replaced them with clean cut, indoor bloggers like me. We communicate with like-minded intelligent people over the internet and thus avoid the problems of (a) getting wet, (b) having to meet chavs, (c) facing political opposition. We can also do our blogging during working hours at our employer's expense, of course, thereby maintaining our high standard of living while fighting for the rights of ordinary working people.

I came across this clip that shows just how revolting these "activists" used to be, living in their squalid houses with their gross families and propagating their ludicrous socialist ideas. Hurrah for the internet!

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Kerron Cross: A One Man Argument For All Ginger Shortlists

What a fine-looking specimen of humanityI quite like to launch attacks on other Labour bloggers, as in the following earlier postings:

"Turnout was down by one as Dave Osler of Lordship Road is on a very timely holiday to Cuba..."

"Adele, I think the contradiction anonymous has spotted is that here you are offering a plea in mitigation of Militant yet your own blog is headed by Neil Kinnock's superb 1985 Conference Speech calling for their expulsion from the Labour Party and citing their mismanagement of Liverpool City Council?"

"Labour left blogger Bob Piper is excited because he thinks that he's found in me the lost "right wing" of Labour."

One Labour blogger who deserves a good kicking is Kerron Cross. This is a man who wasted a full 7 years working for a Labour MP, as opposed to getting in a short period with Thicko Dobson and the Hampstead Witch and then getting the hell out of it like me. And when he should be blogging about serious political issues such as NEC candidates, the Swedish and Venezuelan elections and nuclear weapons, what is he doing? This is the idiot who managed to publish an erudite review of England's miserable football performance tonight within an hour or so of the end of the game. Clearly someone to give a kicking to!

Kerron is also, of course, the blogger who came top of Iain Dale's list of top Labour bloggers, a contest in which, despite the best efforts of Linda and myself to submit supporting votes, I came a humiliating 35th.

Just the hair colour alone puts me off
Iain Dale, Tory
complete waste of space
A man who wastes his time blogging to no audience
Kerron Cross, Labour
little village blogger

As area where I fundamentally disagree with Kerron is over the subject of affirmative action. Kerron is well-known for his obsessive and entirely self-serving/self-pitying opposition to restricted shortlists, as expressed in several posts.

I hate to break it to Kerron but someone like me could probably beat him in a selection contest even without a restricted shortlist, especially if the day had a "q" in it and the wind was blowing in the right direction. Becoming an MP has nothing to do with football and much to do with being Amicus-sponsored, having been Special Adviser to some serious multi-national armaments manufacturers and having a good track record as a councillor for somewhere or other I can't quite remember just now.

Personally I support All Ginger Shortlists (AGS) - and will do until we carrot tops are fully and proportionately represented in parliament. There is a legitimate argument to be made in opposition to AGS. But it is better made by people who are not men chasing parliamentary seats. As a brunette, Mr Cross ought to declare a prejudicial interest. I am sure he is not a dyed redhead as he often posts pictures of himself on his site. However he does seem to have an "issue" with people like me becoming MPs before he does - an odd attitude for a socialist.

Silly men like Kerron who think becoming an MP is a birthright they have been denied by AGS are a good argument for AGS in themselves.

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Get The Terrorist Supporters Off Our Streets

Both Gordon Brown and John Reid have taken firm lines in recent weeks on the issue of terrorism and freedom. They are absolutely right when they say that, if we are to protect the freedoms that we hold so dear in this country, we may need to limit a few freedoms to do it. Introducing biometric identity cards, additional funding for the security services, more ASBOs and restriction orders, banning of turbans, expulsion of foreign nationals who drop litter... all of these and other measures proposed by the government are clearly sensible measures to start with.

But if we are really going to protect British "freedom of speech", we must rid society of the evil hate merchants who abuse our hospitality and spout their filth on British street corners and in our royal parks.

Last night I came across an example of an alien-looking woman pouring forth venom against the UK and our US and Israeli allies, while actively propagating the cause of Palestinian terrorism. We must stop people like her. Send her back where she came from, I say, or better still pop her on a passing CIA plane and fly her to Uzbekistan for a bit of torture.

One thing's for sure. This is not a woman we want to see anywhere near Hackney.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Post Conference Rest

My mates in the US call this 'r&r'

The past couple of days - when I've been away busy on project work and only able to spend a couple of minutes a day on blogging - I've had two of my highest unique visitor numbers since I started blogging five months ago.

My take on this:

  • conference boosted Labour because we looked united by excluding trouble-makers;
  • there's still selling power in the Akehurst brand;
  • there isn't a fundamental problem with the public's perception of my website - they just want me to use less words and more pictures and videos;
  • the Tories are really in big trouble if their most popular blogs only get about 350 times as many readers as the top Labour blogs;
  • I'm big, I'm beautiful and I'm wonderful. I'm just waiting for the door-bell to ring and...

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Found: A Thinking New Labourist

On my spoofster's website you can read the indignant chunterings of my stalker and his band of Manchester student groupies as they protest that the 1983 General Election defeat was due to the malign influence of the Hard Left under Michael Foot. What a load of old cobblers. On planet zog where these people live there never was a Social Democratic Party/ Liberal Alliance polling 7.8 million votes and letting Thatcher in by splitting the opposition vote.

A sad Old Labour gitThe reality is, of course, that Foot couldn't even manage to be an effective malign influence in his own household, or on Hampstead Heath for that matter. If you want to find the villains of the piece you need look no further than scheming Liberals and Labour traitors crossing the floor to join them. Just like Hackney Council a decade later. Much as I hate the loony lefties, it's the Social Democrats who are the biggest enemies of social democracy.

A sad younger Labour gitHard as it may be to find anyone who can think straight, I have now started believing in miracles.

I have discovered that the newspaper that normally publishes my letters has today begun publication of the diaries of someone from Tony's leg-over brigade who has actually engaged their brain cells after moving on from the political paradigm of The Cabinet. I won't spoil your enjoyment by identifying the polemicist or by quoting from his memoirs here.

For those of you who can't read, or prefer comic books to a serious paper, there's a Channel 4 "Dispatches" special coming up on Thursday night. What I will say is that this is someone for whom I have often expressed admiration, especially over his steadfast stand in support of ASBOs. I can't wait to discover what intelligent political commentary is about to be unleashed.

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North Korea Nukes Dalston

A world-famous heritage site laid bare by the axis of evil
This is the shocking picture this morning of a large area of Dalston - including the world famous Dalston Theatre and Four Aces Club heritage site - laid waste after last night's unprovoked and shock launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile by North Korea.

Anyone still opposed to replacing Trident after this?

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

True Love

There's been precious little news recently, what with David Cameron having gone back to his webcam and ex-Hackney preacher George Hargreaves filling up most of the airwaves wetting on about cannabis and crime in Queensbridge. So I thought I'd just offer you this mellow piece. Hope you like it as much as I do.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Hairy Scary

Please God, give me back my hair... and lock everyone else up

Stop press
.... The DTI has today awarded Intercytex Group PLC a £1.85m grant to develop an automated manufacturing process for hair regeneration therapy.

Watch to see whether the punters make a link to the prospects of a certain minister to succeed Tony.

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Lessons From America

Gordon Brown is escorted onto a holiday flight to Guantanamo Bay

Currently showing in New Republic magazine, the full gory details of "the dysfunctional marriage between the prime minister and his heir apparent, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown". Labour supporters should boycott this American press nonsense.

After all we've done for these b******s handing them over British citizens to torture in secret camps and allowing them to refuel planes secretly carrying weapons to Israel. Never again!

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Remove All Personal Barriers To Communication

Me on my way to a ward surgeryI've been staggered by the ranting reaction to Jack Straw's perfectly reasonable remarks, asking (not demanding) constituents who meet him at his advice surgery if they would mind removing all personal barriers to communication.

Although Jack is not someone for whom I have a particular political admiration, this time I completely agree with him. It's not just an Islamic issue, of course, as my spoofster pointed out in this posting when he explained the difficulty of identifying and communicating with anti-Zionist protestors when they dress up like rabbis.

If we are all to live together in multi-cultural harmony, we need to rid ourselves of the icons of cultural difference and separation that keep us apart. We must also discard anything that shocks and offends members of other groups, or otherwise acts as a barrier to understanding and communication.

My family and I intend to take a lead on this issue and thereby demonstrate that we are not a party of hypocrites. I will start by dyeing my hair brown as many people are shocked and offended when first encountering my coiffure. Similarly, Linda will be wearing gabardine trousers in public in future.

I shall be writing to Jacqui later today to suggest some ways in which government ministers can take a lead on this issue. Last night while knocking back a few pints in Father Ted's I drafted an initial list. I didn't get time to review it this morning, so I hope it's OK and I hadn't drunk too much.

  • Tony's supercilious attitude and irritating hand gestures.
  • John's face.
  • Gordon's morose tone.
  • Jack's nasal drawl.
  • Margaret's caravan.
  • Alistair's eyebrows.
  • John's legal advisors.
  • Patricia's patronising style.
  • Tessa's screetching opinions.
  • Peter's sycophancy.
  • Valerie's snobishness.
  • Ruth's pram.
  • David's wig.
  • Hazel's superiority complex and deeply offensive hairstyle.

And if Charles Clarke ever returns to the fold, those ears will just have to go, of course...

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Clissold Greens Fail To Challenge Ballot

Flobbadob, Cat Woman. Flobbadob, Pedal Man.Regular readers will remember that the Greens failed to win two of their predicted three Council seats in Clissold Ward in May's local elections.

Only Cat Woman managed to scrabble together enough votes, despite half of the world's greens swamping the ward with canvassers offering voters free flowerpots and bicycle pumps. And I'm convinced she achieved this perverse result by spying on me - she's both a member of my trade union and a trustee of the cemetery over the road. Pedal Man was taken out by Karen and my lovely partner Linda gave a good thumping to PR Woman, beating her by 1,127 votes to 843 votes.

Now it was suggested at the time that the accidental mis-printing of the ballot papers so that the words "Green Party" disappeared from below PR Woman's name may have been a contributory factor in Linda being elected. Some tree-hugging extremists even suggested that the guillotining error might have been deliberate, although they soon withdrew these malicious allegations after I consulted with Messrs. Twiste, Spynnit and Post.

Green Party activists gather in Clissold ParkDespite lots of clack at the time from the cyclists, five months have now passed without a legal challenge and the deadline is now long past.

I'm personally convinced that the veggie- munchers didn't want a re-run because they knew we'd wipe them out in a by-election and Cat Woman would lose her seat. Still, never mind. We'll get her next time.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Labour Party Conference And The Minimum Wage

Good to see the celebrities at Labour conference reflecting the entrepreneurial, financially prudent, story-spinning, video-generation Blair-style party.

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Hackney Council To Investigate Itself

Two months ago I posted a piece on the "Little Manhattan" project to develop two monstrous towers in Dalston and ethnically cleanse the area in the process. Readers will recall that I had previously suffered from some confusion over the merits of this scheme until Linda pointed out to me that the sponsor is Red Ken's Transport for Plebians.

Councillor Parker, 'free and easy'?Unfortunately, several of my colleagues in the Labour Group took a somewhat different view of the matter and voted for the scheme to go ahead. Leading the drive to high-rise Dalston was that nice young chap Darren Parker who was so unpleasantly and needlessly outed by a fellow councillor from his Brownswood Ward.

When Planning Sub-Committee Chair Councillor Vincent Stops suffered an unfortunate attack of new variant TfL and was forced to step down from chairing the original planning approval session for Faulty Towers, Darren was able to fill the gap at short notice.

Not only did he chair the meeting but, when the vote was tied, he cast the deciding vote in favour.

Following this completely lawful and proper vote, some nasty little theatre-hugging anarchists, Trotsyists and LibDems have got together to attack Councillor Parker by pointing out that he is employed by CABE, the principal design advisory body in respect of the development project and an organisation that will benefit hugely if the scheme goes ahead.

Independent - don't make me laugh - it's run by usHow stupid can you get? This is not an undeclared personal interest. CABE is not a private company - it is a statutory body funded by Tessa's Department for Culture, Media and Sport and Prezza's Department for Communities and Local Government. How can an organisation of these Departments have a vested interest in a local planning decision? We're the bloody government, thickos! We were elected and you people weren't. So stick your personal interests up your a***s!

We plan, we design and we build. Sod you.In any event, we made sure that the rabble-rousers from OPEN didn't exploit any loopholes in the law by holding the Planning Subcommittee again two weeks later and making sure that the decision was reinforced without Darren in the Chair. This is Hackney. We don't just plan. We plan, design and build.

So Darren is innocent. And that's what The Standards Board For England has concluded, or so my informants tell me.

They have quite properly referred back the two complaints about Councillor Parker to our internal Monitoring Officer Meighoiughk Gullivers-Travels, who I am sure will find Darren even more innocent after a full and proper investigation.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

It's Too Much Sun Wot Done It

It's the paper wot won the election for Labour
I know the tabloids sometimes go a bit bonkers during the party election season, but I've yet to witness anything in the Tory Party conference to suggest that the hoodie-hugger has got a snowball's chance in hell of getting elected to serve as the next Prime Minister.

So I had to laugh this morning when I saw the banner headline in The Sun: "Lunatic Gets Into No. 10".

Either that, or they are nine years late with the news. Surely not? Linda......

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Tower Blocks, A Party Whip And A 16-Yr-Old Boy

Think Labour, think massive tower blocks of luxury flats for the massesOne of the first things we did when we took back control of Hackney Council after the departure of "Trotter's Traitors" was to clean up the sleaze and mess that they left behind. Hackney is now a green, beautiful and much loved part of London, whose residents adore living here. And the behaviour of Labour Councillors is beyond reproach.

You can read all about this and more in the latest edition of "Circa", the magazine of Hackney Council's favourite estate agents and property developers Stirling Ackroyd, which features the gorgeous pouting Julian Pipeshaft on pages 1, 3, 16, 17, 18 and 19 ("Jules Rules"). It's given me a great idea. We'd already announced a revamp of "Hackney Grain Harvest Today", as people were complaining that the ink rubbed off when the pages were used in the lav. At the next meeting of Publicity & Spin Sub-Committee I shall propose merging the two into a new free publication "Hackney Property Development Toady".

Mark Foley - an expert in child exploitationIt's a bit of a shame that our good Republican friends across the pond are not managing to maintain the same high standards of personal behaviour that apply to our Labour Group.

I've been reading in the papers this morning about Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who has just been forced to resign after ABC News reported salacious emails that he allegedly sent to a 16-year-old boy from Louisiana employed as a "page" (intern messenger) at the House of Representatives.

Sexual predation of young employees is bad enough, as in the case of Carter and Lewinsky. But in this case it involved someone who was not only a deputy GOP Whip but also Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. Foley's lawyer has apparently announced that the Congressman has checked himself into a rehab program for alcoholics, as if drinking too much could somehow explain his behaviour.

All I can say is that as long as I'm Chief Whip none of my Councillors will ever be caught attempting to seduce boys one-third their age.

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Monday, October 02, 2006


My stats map of referring sites
September was the first full month I had a stats package going on who is reading this.

8356 page views and 3672 visitors.

Hello to my spoofster and to ilikelukeakehurst who visited me 30 times each. And to all the visitors from the Metropolitan Police Special Branch, GCHQ, MI5, MI6, the FBI and the CIA who visited me numerous times trying to figure out whether I am a real Labour Party member or Osama bin Laden in disguise.

Top 10 referring sites sending people here: (self-admiration) (37% of visitors) (22% of visitors) (17% of visitors) (10% of visitors) (my spoofster)(4% of visitors) (3% of visitors) (2% of visitors) (2% of visitors) (1% of visitors) (1% of visitors) (1% of visitors)

Visitor locations:
Papua New Guinea 22%
Lebanon 18%
Israel 15%
Myanmar 11%
USA 10%
Australia 7%
Peru 5%
Venezuala 5%
Sweden 4%
UK 3%

Heaviest days of traffic: Sept 8 followed by Sept 27 (Jug Ears speaks, Tony makes me cry)

Most read posts: this and this

Strangest google seach terms leading to this site:
"nuke the lot of them"
"i'm a miserable little bastard"
"ginger-haired in nappy"
"man boobs"
"food and wine in N16"
"working for mossad"
"care in the community"
"the peoples' flag is deepest pink"
"luke akehurst public school"
"naked councillors"
"swedish election victory"
"infected half of hackney"
"hackney councillors on vodka"
"when will the pool re-open?"

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

David Cameron Steals My Video Idea

Regular readers will know that I'm all for using modern technology to get the political message across. Unlike my pathetic little spoofster who can't keep up with my techno-whizz, I've been using large pictures regularly for ages. More recently I've posted video clips of Labour superstars and interesting events such as the eviction of trouble-making NEC members from Party conference.

Typical of Tories, when a chap gets a good idea they come along and steal it. You know what ex-public school students are like - bears of very little brain, but well versed in the art of lying and cheating. I mean, could you imagine anyone in the Labour Party stealing anything from Tories? Apart from more sensible elements of government policy, of course.

Yesterday David Cameron launched WebCameron - a sad little website showing video clips of the hoodie-hugger bullying his children in the kitchen, poking himself in the eye and p*****g off his wife big time.

My favourite bit of Cameron's site is "What everyone's talking about", the list of most searched tags on the web. When I checked this morning it showed the following order of popularity: dancing girls, airport, introduction, tuktuk, gay Tories, site, gordon brown, david cameron hipster embarrassing, guardian, website, david cameron hipster embarrassing spoof, delhi, senator.

Interesting to see that "dancing girls", "gay tories" and "gordon brown" are all more interesting to web surfers than the little green cyclist. I was intrigued by the tag "david cameron hipster embarrassing spoof". I couldn't find this - maybe someone can post me a link - but I did find the following video clip which shows exactly what a little tea-leaf the Wantage W**ker is. Enjoy!

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